Things have to get better

So I had therapy today which was over the phone so I don't think it was that productive. She was overly concerned that I exercised last night, I really don't see it a a big deal I mean yes I exercised but it wasnt my normal 3-5am. I don't think what I did last night was excessive and I thought it would be okay because I didn't get my walks or yoga in ...Denise wasn't happy with me told me that I am allowed to walk with an extra ensure if I'm allowed to walk than I should walk and not run or do cardio. She was a bit concerned of that making my Ed voice louder today which it did. I wanted to run today very badly but things didn't work out and I wasn't able to...I guess someone or something just didn't want me to today

Denise also talked about me going back to school and work. I told her how before I was a full time student and a full time worker.she was shocked and said that is tough for someone eating disorder or not... I told her that's how I want it, it keeps me busy and it plays into my self worth. She asked if I could see it as excessive, I said for someone else yes I can see it, for me no... I don't know why I think I'm so different. I told her that I did t before and that's how I want to do it again I know that it's possible for me...she said ,"yea but look how sick you got from an eating disorder" ehhh I guess she has a point, not like I'm going back to school or work anytime soon so I guess it doesn't even matter right now.

On another note, my sister came home from the hospital today. She is on Bed rest though as she is still getting sick and light headed. It sucks she is only 16 weeks in the pregnancy but hopefully things will start to look up soon, gotta have faith that things can turn around and look at the positives at least she is home now

When will I be able to catch my breath?

Things are a bit crazy and I'm writing this on my phone do lets see if it will actually post...

anyway today has been non stop running around. Last night I found out that my sister is in the hospital. I know she was having issues but timing is really sucking with everything else going on. She could not stop getting sick which is normal for a pregnant woman but not so much when that causes you to get lightheaded and you blood pressure goes up and the heart rate goes down...she has been in since Wednesday the same day as the funeral so with knowing that she didn't want to overwhelm me and revert back to my eating disorder...so she didn't tell me until yesterday which just pissed me off. And create self harming urges -which by the way, i asked denise for my razor blade back ad he said no...i guess that is a good thing because i would have reverted back to that a few times. It doesn't seem fair no matter what they go through they always know if I'm in the hospital but just because I have a mental disease I'm left out of the loop. Regardless it is my sister and I feel like I should always have a right to know....

Anyway, today I had a food allergy which I thought was to mushrooms in breakfast even though when I asked they said there was none, turns out the drink I drank had red dye in it which I am severely allergic to so, we fix that problem to run into another problem it just going to be nonstop today I suppose. I would really like a few mins to be able to catch my breath though.

R.I.P Grandpa Ralph

Head Games

I think, no I know I am overly sensitive. Not just right now, all the time and it seems like everything is 10x worse when I am stressed. With the death in the family and the moving thing and not working just everything is getting to me. It is annoying. I wish I could stop it. I think I upset a friend, and now I am super paranoid thinking she is ignoring me, because she does this and that and blah blah blah...(that is my head just an fyi)

These bills are stressing me out...normally  I wouldnt think about it and just pay it..but it always seems like unexpected bills comes in when you aren't working...Laureate plus my infusions totals up to $772.00 That is a lot of money, especially if you aren't working...I mean I do have it, but I don't want to take all out that with no income going back in as I still have my monthy bills to keep up with, so  I don't know what to do. It just sucks because this is a result of my health from 2 years ago and now I am legitmetly trying to get better and just seems like I am being tested on how much stress I can handle. I dont know. I just don't understand why I am getting bills now if this all happened two years ago....

I had therapy on Monday and I don't remember the whole conversation but I do remember her saying, "What is in your huge bag?" Yea I am one of those girls who have enormous bags...then she asked, "Food?" I know she didn't mean anything about it and she laughed about it, but take a note, you are talking to an anorexic and when she said that  I felt like the biggest fat ass. And  days later it is still on replay in my head. Like, "Why did she say that? Because I am fat, so fat that people think I carry food with me all the time." Again I know she didn't mean to do this to me, i am just wondering why she said that. Maybe I should mention it because it is playing with my head big time...

My ex contacted me on facebook, again...My ex...lied about his age, had a wife and 3 kids that he forgot to mention to me...I know I feel disgusting and stupid and dirty, whichever words you want to use I am sure I feel the same way...anyway, I dont think he has any reason to be contacting me. I really rather not deal with his wife...when we talked she was mad, which is understandable and she wasn't really mad at me but that didnt stop her for throwing every word at me...she ended up calming down and telling me that HE told her that, "I am a pop pilling crazy anorexic dying"....um okay...yea anorexic...maybe the things  I do are crazy but I am not crazy, and pop pilling...because I took my meds to not get seizures....anyway, I want to know what he wants but I know I can't go there. I dont want to be the continued reason for a broken family, I know how it feels to grow up without a parent around, I can't do that to his kids. And for my health...it will only play games with me. There is just no reason for me to talk to him. So I am ignoring it at the moment. I feel bad though, I know what it feels like to be ignored and its not a good feeling and I hate that I might be doing that to someone else but...it's just best for everyone...

seriously....

Seriously what the hell is wrong with people? Why can't they understand that I am listening to my team. I am doing what I am suppose to according to them...but apparently that makes me a "dumb bitch who is stuck in her eating disorder making excuses to restrict"...First off they dont want me being overwhelmed with the amount food I should eat and end up purging because I have thrown up blood, so yes purging is more dangerous for me right now...Second off, this is the most I have ever eaten in a long time...yes  I realize its still not a healthy amount  but it is what I am comfortable eating right now. And news flash I am not inpatient. im outpatient so obviously my progress is going to be different. And I didn't post my food on facebook for praise...i posted it because I didn't feel guilt afterwards which was a big deal for me...And here is another tip....every person is different what worked for you might not work for me. We have different teams, different eating disorders, and different recoveries. So I fucking give up on what you think. I mean who are you really? You are nothing to me and its not going to piss me off anymore.


Anyway....I had therapy today and my therapist was actaully very distracted today, it was kind of funny. I told her , "Hey, you are the therapist you are suppose to be here" haha. I seriously don't know where she was today,she seemed more focused on what i wrote in my journal that what I was saying, but I guess it is okay considering what I write is usually what we end up talking about.

Kick me when im down

well I dont know what he is to me...my step moms dad past away on thrusday...yea thursday I found out about it today....my aunt told me that it was on facebook (dad and stepmom blocked me) and I didn't cry. I tried, but I couldnt cry...I mean I am upset about it, and I am having memories pop in my head that I had with him, but no tears. So I am feeling guilty about that. Its just weird thinking back on things to know that it will never be again...he was a recovered alcoholic (got better when his health started to go down) and it just sucks he got better and still lost because of alcohol.

Anyway I slept a lot again today, had about 3 seizures, which was embarrassing because my cousin was over to celebrate her birthday (which was Wed) and I just couldnt manage to keep my eyes open. She was a bit upset with me when I opted out of eating her "birthday meal" and birthday cake. I apologized but told her that I was taking care of myself by not eating it...which sounded like ed but then i explained, to keep me from purging....she said it was okay and to go lay back down. haha (just to be clear, I did eat just not what everyone else ate) Oh sleep...yes im sleeping all day then last night was the first time since wed that I had problems falling asleep in my bed I was laying there from 3am until 6 am until I fell back asleep...guess my body is used to being up exercising at that time....


So I thought I was doing a good job with eating...like I said I know I am still restricting but I am following my meal plan that my nutritionist gave me....I hate when I get questioned about it, or when someone says "you still need treatment" Seriously I have been trying with EVERYTHING  I have in me and its still not good enough. I dont know what people want or expect from me. I guess the expectations are just too high. I don't know what to say. I feel like a dissapointment and that i am still in ed now. It just sucks how much power I give to people when I know deeeeeep down that I am doing what I was told to do...

Anyway, I guess it's a good thing that I have therapy bright and early tomarrow.

Meh

I know that my therapist cares but lordy be, she is starting to get on my nerves...haha odd thing is I feel loved by her. I texted her Wednesday night saying  I was giving up...She wrote back a 5 page text...I didnt respond, she sent another text the next day...I didn't respond. She wrote yet another text the next day...All I wrote back was "yea" (asked if I was okay), today she sends me another text. I write, "I guess I am hanging in there, I don't know" She then wanted to make sure that I am staying connected talking to my support girls haha. Not really...I mean I have talked about it with a few but details  and actaully opening up about would only be my sponsor and Trina. The only  two people I 100% trust with every bone in my body.

Anyway when I get overwhelmed like this apprently my body crashes. I have been doing nothing but sleeping since I heard about this news...I guess its a way that my body handles the stress. Its a way not to deal with it...i dont know. Well I do know, when I am stressed I tend to get more seizures than normal and, well lets  say that the twice a week I had going on there for a while is nothing compared to what I am having now. Which seizures make you sooooooo exhausted. Plus I think I really needed the rest, got to try to stay positive even about the bad things right?

When I was up I have been stressing over money. I have to fight  two bills from laureate and Holy redemor cancer center. So that will be a pain in the tusch...Then I have my student loan that will have to start getting paid off in April...then rent, then, therapy, etc just everything is adding up and I dont know how to handle it all...I hate depending on others. I know when I was in treatment my mom took over my bills for me so I didn't get stressed and I wasnt able to work...I think it might lead to that again. I feel like such a spoiled mommy's girl by doing this, but I literallly cannot work right now. I can't get unemployment because  I wasn't working at this place long enough, etc. I literallly tried everything to not lean on mommy and daddy but looks like its out of my hands right now, whether I like it or not if my mom sees me stressing out over it she will take over again....which I mean is good but I just feel so spoiled and like everything is just given to me.


Oh I woke up this morning...I left my journal out in the living room (not like me at all) well I have OCD, I know when things are touched and not put back the exact way I left it...This morning I walked in and it was in the general area I left it in but it was moved....I was pissed. I ignored my aunt mainly all morning. Then I was protective of it....and my uncle says "What is wrong" I tell him he says no we didnt read it, we didnt touch it...ummm yes you did....I know for a fact that it was touched.It just pisses me off because you lied about it and the fact that its my journal...I remember having a "contract" laying in my room (from Renfrew) and my aunt read it and said, "I didnt go through your things it was laying in your room" ummm ok I know its your house but my room for the time being. Just because I didnt hide it doesnt make it okay for you to read it...Anyway, im sure if it was read I will be finding out soon either from my aunt and her big mouth or from my mom....I mean nothing in there is really behaviors wise recent...but I def have stuff in there about my aunt/uncle. And since I have been here there have been a lot of behavior use, which they only think only two behaviors were used. (Both times they think they caught-once my cousin at work walked in while I purged and the other time my aunt found my "purging" bag in my room before I was able to clean it out) Anyway I guess I just have to hope that  I am being paranoid about this otherwise any chance of the moving happening went completely out the door now if it hasn't yet...

Update

So today I slept a lot. I was literally in tears yesterday for 5 hours. I attempted to act out, didn't reallly work out besides skipping my night snack. I woke up this morning, frozen in my bed. Staring at the wall, my uncle walked in...told me to get out of bed. I told him I just want to be stuck in the misery for a little while...he said no. Get up, Call Jenn...So I got up, called her, cried again, she said what I thought she was going to say, how I have no power over this and things can change from now to then. and its not worth losing my sobriety for something that might not happen...So I ate and stayed on the phone with her after so I couldn't purge...Then I went back to sleep. Woke up for dinner, did that same exact thing. She made me realize that yes, this is the reason why I was doing better, but slipping back into ed right now, would not help anything...if anything it will make this situation the way that I hoping it won't turn out to be. So last night a slip, but I guess im still in recovery, as I did everything today...not sure if I still have 2.5 weeks or now I have to start all over again?

Anyway, I texted Denise, last night. I was in a very bad place....she texted back 5 pages, asking how I was and she knows i am terribily disappointed but things seem to always work out in the end. And I will be there for the baby, I dont remember the rest it was a lot...I didn't write back. Around 6 she texted me again, saying, " I haven't heard back from you and I hope you are okay and that today was better than yesterday"

Oh and my mom...not sure if I wrote this last night. But last night I called my mom, having a panic attack, clearly crying and grasping for air...She tells me "idol is back on, I have to go" WTFFFF??? anyway, she messaged me today asking how the rest of the night went...like she really cares...anyway I told her  "I isolated. I was in my room crying the entire night"She said "You dont want to isolate, journal or collage, anything that will help, also dont worry about it, I know it is disappointmenting to you but it might not happen, and things always seems to work out for the best...hang in there, all your hard work will pay off-i promise".....uhmmm I did journal. but im sorry I dont like crying in front of others and last time I cried in front of my uncle he forcebily grabbed my face to see the tears rolling down my face. So I refuse to go through that again (kind of set me up for a flashback from dad hitting me) Which I told her I wont cry in front of him and I couldnt hold it in anymore...and promise??Last time I checked you still didnt want me home and I have no other options unforutnely as I am unable to work =/

All for nothing.

I've been working my ass off for what???? To move and be with the baby...my only way I can get in the area I want to. As my mom still doesn't want me home. The only way I can get on my two feet and work and go back to school. It was suppose to be an light of freedom, of hope, my motivation...gone. I was on the phone with my sister today and she informed me that if she gets a apartment that I can't move. There is a thing saying im over 18 so I would have to be on a lease which my sister doesnt want because if Im in ed then I need to leave, and because they would be no space....the only way is if they get a house which of course my sister is dealing with medical problems because of the pregnancy and their car broke down now....So for the past hour I have been crying and feeling like I did all this "great work" for absolutely NOTHING. So im a bit devastated and pissed and hurt...I tried cutting and of course, of course the scissors are too dull and wouldn't break the skin. AND Denise has my razor blade...im soo pissed and there is seriously no point in doing so well if I still in the end dont get the life I want...

I am completely heart broken and Im giving up. All I want to do right now is self destruct.

Struggle today But I am stronger

Today was a bit of a struggle, so far. I woke up with horrible body image because my boobs seemed to appear from no where haha. I was told to do breakfast on my own today, normally I am served so I don't obsess over measuring...my uncle didn't think it would be a big deal because I have done it before. But I didnt and struggling with body image and put it in my own hands to eat is like impossible. I ended up calling my sponsoring. it rang and rang. I started praying, "Please God let her pick up" Before even ending that sentence she picked up. Asked how I was, I said "Ok I guess" She knew and said, "Yeah what is going on?" I starting crying and said "I have bad body image and I am on my own for breakfast and I dont know what to do" So she made me walk to the fridge name everything we had and gave me options. I told her the one option I didnt feel safe keeping in, not today. She gave me another option ed again having an excuse...she said, "Stefanie make this and eat it, Ill be on the phone with you"haha So I did I made it, and she offered to stay on the phone while I ate as well. I said ok but you have to talk so you dont hear me chewing so she did, she shared her story (heard it about 5 times now haha) Then she said on the phone with me an additional 30 mins to help me getting through the purging urges...seriously if she didn't pick up I would have totallllly not have eaten breakfast today. I told myself, "See you asked for it. Said your not anorexic because it's too easy and now look its hard as anything you were about to give in and sooner than you realize would of been a relapse" But its not me. Yes I said it but I didn't ask for it. I am completely powerless over the days ed is louder than the others. And don't worry about the what could of happened because it didn't so stop beating yourself up about it....anyway I am very thankful for Jen today.

Then someone from work messaged me, and said "I can tell you have an ed, how are you doing? I think you need to gain a little bit of weight...you def dont need to lose" I was like umm thanks for your input but...then ed popped in...you really think i need to gain, u swear i dont need to lose...Then I said Ok dont answer I know I sound crazy but that answer will make me head spin more haha...

Anyway, I got a letter and ultrasounds pictures today. My sister is a dork and wrote me a letter as if the baby was writing to me, it was super cute and the things he/she said, actually made me cry. I was touched. very touched.

"I'm not anorexic"

This thought has been boggling in my head lately. I told denise this, she sort of laughed and said, "Honey, You are defiently anorexic, why do you feel this way?"

My answer, "well because if I was truely anorexic, then this recovery thing would be a lot harder. I feel like it's easy, Now working on 3 weeks of ed free and I only had a few urges to cut, and to restrict. Just a few, not everyday..."

She told me this was ed itself trying to sneak back in. She also mentioned how yes I am doing a good job, but the thoughts are all still there the planning out, just not acting on it. And I am still restricting, I am eating my meal plan, but my meal plan is bare minimal, even if it is considered minimal, My N tells me that she would go to "Dietician Jail is any other nutritionists saw the plan she gave me. But she wants to go slow, she doesn't want me seeing the plan I should be on when I am not ready and I get overwhelmed. She also said it might seem easy, because I actually want it now. I have motivation where before I didn't. I know I did well at Laureate, my last month stay, but the entire time I was thinking, "Ok do now good now so you can get discharged and go back to the way you want" (laureate is the type of center who keeps you there longer if you struggle and not like Renfrew who kick you out) But my motivation, I need to do well so I can go home and be a part of that baby's life. Get back home and live my life, get on my own two feet for the first time....

LORDY BE

I had therapy today...I was allll over the place, talked about one thing ended up talking about something else and went back, but it was not ed. I know I do that when im in ed, this was because I had so much to get out that I wanted to get everything out so Denise would remember and go back to it. I just needed it out. She again gave me loads of homework along with homework from my sponsor. Which I don't mind, it keeps me busy, distracted, and I worked on personal things  while kicking eds butt =P

I am a bit overwhelmed with bills right now. Laureate sent me a bill saying I need to pay them, when my insurance covered it. And now A bill from Holy redemor Cancer Center sent me a bill..I got 6 infusions TWO years ago and just sent me a bill saying my payment is 60 days late...it was two years ago (IF) I owe anything (insurance also covered this) how is it only 60 days late? It's not adding up. Of course all these bills are piling up now that I am no longer working, how come they couldn't come when I was able to work? Anyway, I have to call and fight it, but thing is my mom lives 3 hours away and I need paper work to verify everything. But we don't know which paper work. And my mom can't call because of HIPPA laws, so its going to be a constant back and forth calling and waiting for my mom to send the things I need. It's just frustrating, I can handle it I know I can, but its just like why...

I texted Joy today (havent seen her in 3 weeks now) to tell her today is 15 days ed free (she didn't know) and  she was happy but not as excited as I thought she would be =/

Anyway here I am, dreading along, i guess all that matters is I am still moving forward. How I don't know but I dont think I need to know...

Pretending

It was brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while...the reason for that is because I want to be honest on here. I came to the realization the other day that I am fooling myself. I was pretending that everything is going great, because im not involved in ed anymore...but truth is it's not. Sure I am not as depressed, I have more energy, but im still miserable. Everything that the ed numbed out is still there...just not numbed out anymore. I guess I was hoping that since im doing better (TODAY IS 2 WEEKS ED FREE) that everything else would just disappear. It didn't. I am trying to stay positive because that is how I view recovery, mainly because of my mom. She swears recovery is great, no more bad days, bad moods, etc. That would be great, but it's not realistic I suppose.

Anyway, I am a bit stressed. I have had urges this week to self harm, and it took talking to two people online and a hour long phone call with a close friend to help me through it. I guess that is all that matters. Stress is coming from everything too. Like I have stress from moving, my sister has an ed, and I am a bit concerned about over eating with her. My mom keeps questioning me, and I realized that is where all my self doubt comes from. Then Im stressed for medical reasons. And stressed about finical reasons. Laureate sent me another bill...which my insurance covered, so I might have to give them a call as this is the 2nd bill they sent me. Everything is just here. I am feeling everything and it's a bit overwhelming,and I don't know how to handle it all.

I guess anxiety is extremely high, during dinner my legs were shaking more than normal. My uncle was sitting next to me and put his hand on my leg. And smiled .I just smiled back, thinking I didn't realize but was generally pissed when I had a cue to stop...He said, "I thought the washer was on" haha normally he doesn't stop this behavior (ALWAYS happening when I am eating...i know i know ed behavior...) but today I was shaking my legs pretty much the entire day and he noticed...Then I got a moment of not feeling well and wanted to sleep...well I fell asleep and he wakes me up to tell me that I am sleeping...thanks I didn't know?! He makes a big deal about it saying  "I saw your eyes closed" I have this weird thing about people knowing that I am sleeping...whenever I am with friends I will randomly talk to make them think that I am still awake. But needless to say the things I say don't make sense, one time I said, "burgers can fly" haha...anyway so I go back to sleep not even 10 mins later he wakes me up, tickling my feet (luckily I can control that) and I got pissed. Told him to leave me alone, I dont do it to him and I don't feel well, he made this face at me like "dont be cranky" I am sorry, I know I sleep a bit better now but I am still exhausted all the time and I value sleep when I can get it, having insomnia for 6 years I have a lot of catching up to do haha. One of my pet peeves I guess. I just dont like people doing something to me that if I were to do it to them they would get pissed too...

Steps Forward

I had denise today and I finally managed (after stalling for two weeks) to give her my meds and my razor blades. I was pulling them out of my bag and she said "Oh wow you do have a lot" haha And she was looking at me, saying how proud she is of me, How this is a big step for me, making things less tempting for me, I told her I think its a good thing but I am a bit overwhelmed right now because what if I do need them??...then she asked about how ed is lately and I told her, " LAST saturday was the last time I purged, and I am trying to follow my meal plan, I am not taking laxs anymore and I am working on the exercise, But I am no longer working out from 3 to 5am" She got teary eyed. She was stoked to hear about this, and thinks not working is part of it. One because I am not near my stressful boss and 2. I have time to work on my things, to go to meetings, etc. Then she asked "Are you okay with me saying I am proud of you or does it make you think oh no im getting better?" Honestly I am okay with it. Yes I am getting better and that is scary but to hear someone say they notice the work im doing and are proud of me for it. I needed to hear it. So I told her I will try to continue this path this week, I honestly don't want to go back to the way I was. It has only been one week without ed, and I am already thinking differently, more people are reaching out to me, and its just after one week!!!!!!!


Seriously, my aunt ughhh im about to snap at her. EVERYTIME we are in the car together she wants to talk about weight loss and food...today she specifically told me what spices will help increase my metabolism and lose weight. Well ed is happy, thinking yay new method!!! but the part of me that is in recovery is like whyyy the hell would you tell me that? itsjust frustrating, and i dont know what to do, I talked to her about it, I ignored it. I  seriously think it might be time to stick my hands over my ears and say "lalalala"

Need a break

(P.S im sticking out my tongue, my lips aren't that big haha)

Here it is. I was going to post this picture on facebook, but I didn't want to get questions or concerns. But I wanted to talk about hair. In our society hair is very important. If you don't have any, then people just assume your sick. Sometimes that is the case, sometimes its not. For example, When I first started losing my hair, my close friend megan shaved her head to make me feel less awkward. I am not saying I am bald, im not but I def have spots without hair. Anyway, there are ways around it, like hair extentions or wigs. Which I have them both, and though you can't tell if you get the right color, you can tell when your hair randomly grows inches over night....

Anyway, today was uhh hectic? Not so much with having things to do but emotionally hectic. I have lots of reasons to cry, but I just cry at a drop of a hat. Not thinking about anything, nothing was said or done to me, I just find myself crying a lot. I guess its a good thing, but it is still embarrassing and annoying. Today my aunt came up to me and asked what was wrong, I am sobbing and I say "I don't know" haha I think my head is just overwhelmed with everything, not being at work, letting go of my ed, moving back home, not being able to go back to school, all this medical stuff that is going on (STILL spitting up blood and NOW apparently paralysis in my legs). Again like I said I know have reasons or the right to sit and cry, but I would like some warning before hand. Anyway, still on track, I followed my meal plan and surprisingly wanted to eat more than that (I know its okay if I do because I am still on a restricted plan) but I stopped myself, which I was relieved about it. It was like yes I am still on track but at least I know I could still stop myself if I or ed wanted/needed. So I guess it was more like a comfort. I have a feeling people are going to read this and think I am restricting. I did follow my plan though...

Also to the people who constantly talk to me to start a fight, can you please stop? I have a few people in mind, that when I do hear from them, its just to start a fight with me. Honestly, I can't handle it anymore I have  enough going on that I dont need to worry about what you think or disagree with. I am not saying stop talking to me, but if it comes down to nothing but fights all the time, I will have to protect myself. Most of the fights aren't even my fault, meaning the fights are about something I dont have control over...I just I need a break. I need someone to say "Forget them, you are doing awesome work" Even if they don't think I am, maybe you can look where I am coming from, and not the expectations of me, because just this past week I feel like I have come a long way, not only with my eating but in other areas. I can't let it get me down anymore, I don't have the time...

Be Gentle

I am a bit anxious today, I texted Joy today, asking if I am over eating. She said im not but I seriously feel like thats all i do anymore. So I told her im binging she said "no your not, if you want to consider it binges call them anorexic binges, because you still are not meeting your caloric needs"I guess it's hard not seeing her now. Which this will be week 3 without going to her. So I know I can call/text whenever but its different when she doesnt see my food log.I could of easily restricted today, my uncle/aunt went to go pick up my meds and I wasn't forced to eat, but I did, made it again on my own and ate it. It's scary but at least i dont have to lie and worry about them finding out the truth...

Anyway I ended up doing some stretches last night, who would of thought that something that simple could set me off...ALL DAY  today I wanted (KEY WORD wanted) to exercise. I just kept thinking, "yoga, cardio, dance" Then I stop myself, knowing that I can't do those things safely, i mean seriously all I did was some simple stretching last night and look where it put my head! it's so frustrating that it's all or nothing. I think this is something I will have to work on. Because in the past I know one slip meant failure so go back to ed. It can't be that way anymore, my health couldnt be more worse than what it is right now and my body can't tolerate it anymore. Im not saying "no slips up" I mean hopefully there arent any, im just saying if there are i need to be gentle on myself and realize a slip can be a slip not a relapse...but DAY 6 and going =)

Deaths

I have been reflecting a lot on deaths. I am trying not to take blame for someone dying, or regret anything, and im trying to just accept it and remember the good times I had with them...

1. My aunt Lou died of cancer which I was looking at pictures of her, around that time my eating disorder started (truns out to be 6 years not 8) Anyway, I am trying not feel guilt. I didn't go to her funeral. She lived two hours away from me and my jerk of a dad wouldn't come get me to bring me. I only have one thing from her, which is a stuffed bunny and I remember getting so mad when my dog thought it was toy and I freaked out...Luckily no harm was done to it. Today I was laying in bed (crying again) hugging this animal. I miss her, and I would love to be able to talk to her one more time.

2. Yesterday was Kelly's Birthday...Kelly was a girl from laureate died almost a year ago from her eating disorder. It's weird because I remember talking to her, and now I can't. The last time she spoke I just got out of treatment and she was going in, and she messaged me "I'm going back ip, any advice I would love" I didn't write back. I know it probably wouldnt of made a difference but I can't help to think that if I did write back, maybe it would of kept her from purging, even just once, that one time maybe saving her life.

3. Miss. Buzy She also died of cancer. She was an amazing woman. She was a staff member at my school andI would often confide in her (not knowing about her cancer until she passed away) she was so warm hearted. She always put everything done to help someone out, even if it was just a listening ear.

4. Uncle Jim also a victim of cancer.  I didn't talk to him much but I do remember at family gatherings him always being the one who gets someone to laugh. Often by teasing another family member, but he didn't care as long as he got one person to smile.

In honor of these amazing people who didn't deserve to die. I miss you and will forever love you.

P.S one more reason why I HATE cancer