well I dont know what he is to me...my step moms dad past away on thrusday...yea thursday I found out about it today....my aunt told me that it was on facebook (dad and stepmom blocked me) and I didn't cry. I tried, but I couldnt cry...I mean I am upset about it, and I am having memories pop in my head that I had with him, but no tears. So I am feeling guilty about that. Its just weird thinking back on things to know that it will never be again...he was a recovered alcoholic (got better when his health started to go down) and it just sucks he got better and still lost because of alcohol.
Anyway I slept a lot again today, had about 3 seizures, which was embarrassing because my cousin was over to celebrate her birthday (which was Wed) and I just couldnt manage to keep my eyes open. She was a bit upset with me when I opted out of eating her "birthday meal" and birthday cake. I apologized but told her that I was taking care of myself by not eating it...which sounded like ed but then i explained, to keep me from purging....she said it was okay and to go lay back down. haha (just to be clear, I did eat just not what everyone else ate) Oh sleep...yes im sleeping all day then last night was the first time since wed that I had problems falling asleep in my bed I was laying there from 3am until 6 am until I fell back asleep...guess my body is used to being up exercising at that time....
So I thought I was doing a good job with eating...like I said I know I am still restricting but I am following my meal plan that my nutritionist gave me....I hate when I get questioned about it, or when someone says "you still need treatment" Seriously I have been trying with EVERYTHING I have in me and its still not good enough. I dont know what people want or expect from me. I guess the expectations are just too high. I don't know what to say. I feel like a dissapointment and that i am still in ed now. It just sucks how much power I give to people when I know deeeeeep down that I am doing what I was told to do...
Anyway, I guess it's a good thing that I have therapy bright and early tomarrow.
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