Today was a bit of a struggle, so far. I woke up with horrible body image because my boobs seemed to appear from no where haha. I was told to do breakfast on my own today, normally I am served so I don't obsess over measuring...my uncle didn't think it would be a big deal because I have done it before. But I didnt and struggling with body image and put it in my own hands to eat is like impossible. I ended up calling my sponsoring. it rang and rang. I started praying, "Please God let her pick up" Before even ending that sentence she picked up. Asked how I was, I said "Ok I guess" She knew and said, "Yeah what is going on?" I starting crying and said "I have bad body image and I am on my own for breakfast and I dont know what to do" So she made me walk to the fridge name everything we had and gave me options. I told her the one option I didnt feel safe keeping in, not today. She gave me another option ed again having an excuse...she said, "Stefanie make this and eat it, Ill be on the phone with you"haha So I did I made it, and she offered to stay on the phone while I ate as well. I said ok but you have to talk so you dont hear me chewing so she did, she shared her story (heard it about 5 times now haha) Then she said on the phone with me an additional 30 mins to help me getting through the purging urges...seriously if she didn't pick up I would have totallllly not have eaten breakfast today. I told myself, "See you asked for it. Said your not anorexic because it's too easy and now look its hard as anything you were about to give in and sooner than you realize would of been a relapse" But its not me. Yes I said it but I didn't ask for it. I am completely powerless over the days ed is louder than the others. And don't worry about the what could of happened because it didn't so stop beating yourself up about it....anyway I am very thankful for Jen today.
Then someone from work messaged me, and said "I can tell you have an ed, how are you doing? I think you need to gain a little bit of weight...you def dont need to lose" I was like umm thanks for your input but...then ed popped in...you really think i need to gain, u swear i dont need to lose...Then I said Ok dont answer I know I sound crazy but that answer will make me head spin more haha...
Anyway, I got a letter and ultrasounds pictures today. My sister is a dork and wrote me a letter as if the baby was writing to me, it was super cute and the things he/she said, actually made me cry. I was touched. very touched.
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