Meh

I know that my therapist cares but lordy be, she is starting to get on my nerves...haha odd thing is I feel loved by her. I texted her Wednesday night saying  I was giving up...She wrote back a 5 page text...I didnt respond, she sent another text the next day...I didn't respond. She wrote yet another text the next day...All I wrote back was "yea" (asked if I was okay), today she sends me another text. I write, "I guess I am hanging in there, I don't know" She then wanted to make sure that I am staying connected talking to my support girls haha. Not really...I mean I have talked about it with a few but details  and actaully opening up about would only be my sponsor and Trina. The only  two people I 100% trust with every bone in my body.

Anyway when I get overwhelmed like this apprently my body crashes. I have been doing nothing but sleeping since I heard about this news...I guess its a way that my body handles the stress. Its a way not to deal with it...i dont know. Well I do know, when I am stressed I tend to get more seizures than normal and, well lets  say that the twice a week I had going on there for a while is nothing compared to what I am having now. Which seizures make you sooooooo exhausted. Plus I think I really needed the rest, got to try to stay positive even about the bad things right?

When I was up I have been stressing over money. I have to fight  two bills from laureate and Holy redemor cancer center. So that will be a pain in the tusch...Then I have my student loan that will have to start getting paid off in April...then rent, then, therapy, etc just everything is adding up and I dont know how to handle it all...I hate depending on others. I know when I was in treatment my mom took over my bills for me so I didn't get stressed and I wasnt able to work...I think it might lead to that again. I feel like such a spoiled mommy's girl by doing this, but I literallly cannot work right now. I can't get unemployment because  I wasn't working at this place long enough, etc. I literallly tried everything to not lean on mommy and daddy but looks like its out of my hands right now, whether I like it or not if my mom sees me stressing out over it she will take over again....which I mean is good but I just feel so spoiled and like everything is just given to me.


Oh I woke up this morning...I left my journal out in the living room (not like me at all) well I have OCD, I know when things are touched and not put back the exact way I left it...This morning I walked in and it was in the general area I left it in but it was moved....I was pissed. I ignored my aunt mainly all morning. Then I was protective of it....and my uncle says "What is wrong" I tell him he says no we didnt read it, we didnt touch it...ummm yes you did....I know for a fact that it was touched.It just pisses me off because you lied about it and the fact that its my journal...I remember having a "contract" laying in my room (from Renfrew) and my aunt read it and said, "I didnt go through your things it was laying in your room" ummm ok I know its your house but my room for the time being. Just because I didnt hide it doesnt make it okay for you to read it...Anyway, im sure if it was read I will be finding out soon either from my aunt and her big mouth or from my mom....I mean nothing in there is really behaviors wise recent...but I def have stuff in there about my aunt/uncle. And since I have been here there have been a lot of behavior use, which they only think only two behaviors were used. (Both times they think they caught-once my cousin at work walked in while I purged and the other time my aunt found my "purging" bag in my room before I was able to clean it out) Anyway I guess I just have to hope that  I am being paranoid about this otherwise any chance of the moving happening went completely out the door now if it hasn't yet...