Pretending

It was brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while...the reason for that is because I want to be honest on here. I came to the realization the other day that I am fooling myself. I was pretending that everything is going great, because im not involved in ed anymore...but truth is it's not. Sure I am not as depressed, I have more energy, but im still miserable. Everything that the ed numbed out is still there...just not numbed out anymore. I guess I was hoping that since im doing better (TODAY IS 2 WEEKS ED FREE) that everything else would just disappear. It didn't. I am trying to stay positive because that is how I view recovery, mainly because of my mom. She swears recovery is great, no more bad days, bad moods, etc. That would be great, but it's not realistic I suppose.

Anyway, I am a bit stressed. I have had urges this week to self harm, and it took talking to two people online and a hour long phone call with a close friend to help me through it. I guess that is all that matters. Stress is coming from everything too. Like I have stress from moving, my sister has an ed, and I am a bit concerned about over eating with her. My mom keeps questioning me, and I realized that is where all my self doubt comes from. Then Im stressed for medical reasons. And stressed about finical reasons. Laureate sent me another bill...which my insurance covered, so I might have to give them a call as this is the 2nd bill they sent me. Everything is just here. I am feeling everything and it's a bit overwhelming,and I don't know how to handle it all.

I guess anxiety is extremely high, during dinner my legs were shaking more than normal. My uncle was sitting next to me and put his hand on my leg. And smiled .I just smiled back, thinking I didn't realize but was generally pissed when I had a cue to stop...He said, "I thought the washer was on" haha normally he doesn't stop this behavior (ALWAYS happening when I am eating...i know i know ed behavior...) but today I was shaking my legs pretty much the entire day and he noticed...Then I got a moment of not feeling well and wanted to sleep...well I fell asleep and he wakes me up to tell me that I am sleeping...thanks I didn't know?! He makes a big deal about it saying  "I saw your eyes closed" I have this weird thing about people knowing that I am sleeping...whenever I am with friends I will randomly talk to make them think that I am still awake. But needless to say the things I say don't make sense, one time I said, "burgers can fly" haha...anyway so I go back to sleep not even 10 mins later he wakes me up, tickling my feet (luckily I can control that) and I got pissed. Told him to leave me alone, I dont do it to him and I don't feel well, he made this face at me like "dont be cranky" I am sorry, I know I sleep a bit better now but I am still exhausted all the time and I value sleep when I can get it, having insomnia for 6 years I have a lot of catching up to do haha. One of my pet peeves I guess. I just dont like people doing something to me that if I were to do it to them they would get pissed too...