How can I miss something if your not completely gone?

I know this is lame, but I haven't purged since Saturday and today I really want to, I miss it....its weird. I miss it after only a few days and I miss throwing up? Its not the throwing up that I miss, its the control. It's the realization that my stomach isn't getting bigger...i dont know. I know I am actually trying to get better now. Maybe for the first time. I could have restricted today, my uncle normally makes me something to eat and he didn't today, I realized at 2:30 that he wasn't going to and instead of not caring I got up and got something to eat.  Which is a big deal for me Then dinner comes around and it seems like A LOT of food, and I am trying to handle it (hints why I am blogging right now) and my sister is talking about when I had to get iron infusions and i know this is sick but its making me miss ed. Here I am in the hospital with iv sticking out of my arms because ed was bad and I miss it??? I know it's weird. Anyway I did ask her to not talk about it anymore and she said ok and I did tell her that I am overhwhelmed and wanting to get rid of it so she is messaging me and she will call the house if I stop responding.

Today I spit up more blood =/ more than usual so purging probably wont help with that right now...ahh i don't know what to do =/ I don't want to ruin the few days I have under my belt but honestly I seem like I always fail after a few days anyway...


So a few hours passed and I managed to not purge! I was on the phone and talking to people for a good hour  afterwards to keep me away from the bathroom and I actually told someone to time me when I had to pee to help keep me accountable.

Then  I get up to get my night snack, (trying very hard to follow my meal plan) and my aunt says, "You just ate!!" So I started crying saying, "I know I am fatty, Im just trying to listen to my team now and I feel like I am eating too much but I dont want to eat im just trying to get better" So my uncle wasn't too pleased with my aunt. Pretty much told her to shut up and that its okay if I eat again. How I shouldn't feel this way if I know I am doing what is the right thing to do. I told him I can't and he said "well drink your ensure then and eat again later" UM no offense I get how liquids are suppose to be easier but when it's something like an ensure...its not. So I ended up calling my sponsor crying to her telling her what happened and ended up eating my snack anyway...only 20 mins left till I am suppose to have my ensure. God seriously I know I am trying and listening to them but today has felt like its been non stop eating =/ Im not sure how long this will last

Hello there ed

I had Denise today. Man was she tough on me today. She said she is on my side, saying this past weekend I did well with ED (despite someone saying that I didn't) She said it sounds like for the first time, I am being positive about recovery. I told her about my collapsing at work, and spitting up blood, while doing so, I got a sharp pain in my stomach and had to lean forward...she noticed,she thinks it might be my stomach ulcer. But I do need to go to the doctor and she is going to make calls for me this week. We talked about last session how the breathing exercises were hard for me, and how she doesn't think I am lying about my ed. HAHA she mentioned how I feel about therapy, I said I know I need to come weekly, she said "AT LEAST" haha We talked about my meal plan and how for protein she would like me to eat cheese (as osteopenia is worse) I looked at her and said, "Do you know how many calories is in cheese?" She laughed, hello ed. haha Then I start randomly crying, for no reason but I think I might of hid it well...anyway she gave me a lot of "homework" this week, wants me to read this packet on identity and parts of the bible and journal about it... Then in the car, my aunt once again talked about exercise and how she has everything advertised on TV to help you lose weight. GAHHH why can't she understand that I dont want to hear about this? So I didn't say much and she was like "Are you ok" Umm yea im fine im just tired of you talking about this when you know i struggle with an ed. its like hello common sense, would you talk to an alcholic about going out and catching some drinks...no you wouldnt. Then I screamed in pain while she is driving its not such a good idea...luckily we didn't hit anything. And then in the parking lot, i was left in the car while she picked some things up and came out to my car door open spitting up more blood =/ everyone looked at me in the parking lot like I was nuts, im sorry what do you want me to do? swallow it? umm sorry no.

Gahh I feel so stupid. Literally I have no control over anything anything anymore. I was holding something HOT in my hand and I fell asleep needless to say I spilled it and it landed on my hand, Sad part is I was so knocked out of it that  I didn't wake up to it. =/  I woke up to my aunt shaking the crap out of me telling me to get up I needed to put my hand under cold water, I was like uhh why? Then I saw and said, "Seriously how could I do that?" I feel like such an idiot



I was talking to someone from work (on facebook still not back at work yet) and they were asking about my eating disorder and why I think I am fat. hmm i don't know It just is...he said "You are far from fat, when i hugged u i could put my arms around u and they'd come back to my sides so your definately not fat" Obviously ed popped in the conversation when I asked questions about what he meant. and I know deep down what he meant, and its not suppose to be a bad thing, it gets twisted though. I feel like its an accomplishment in a way and in the other way its like see stefanie your thin now get better, you got to the goal you wanted now get to the goal that everyone else wants (weight wise)

Break down

Today I had a bit of a break-down. So far I spit up blood twice, which didn't phrase me. I broke down when I noticed how much hair Im losing. I was in the shower and just broke down. I had a panic attack, when my aunt walked in and she saw me crying on the floor, grasping for air,  pulling hair out. She knelt down to me and said its okay, stand up. It's easy for her to say, because she's not the one going through this. She isn't the one who is losing hair, or spitting up blood, the one who is weak and tired all the time,  the one who is dying. It's not okay. It's everything but okay...why can't I be sad about this? I think it's normal to be upset or angry even. I mean I know she was trying to calm me down because my chest started to hurt but it wasn't like I was having a heart attack, It's just that is where all my emotions are. That is where they all are stored at.

Anyway, Today I stopped by my dad's house, I know denise wouldn't approve but it's something that I needed to do. To say goodbye to him in person, to see his reaction. Would he cry? Would he apologize for everything? Would he ask me to forgive him? no...none of that happened, lets just say he refuses to change and I am sitting there in a mess, crying to him, how much I need him to care, just give me one sign to hold on. I don't need him to say sorry or I love you, I just want him to grab me and hug me. Instead I came home with some new body art =/

TAKE THAT ED

Today was a pretty good day, so far. I did purge once, not because I wanted to, mainly because I could...and boy did I notice the difference in engery after I purged. But Im moving on, I was home alone all day today and I could have easily restricted but I didn't. I made a sandwich and ate, and kept it in. I know its just a sandwich but its a big deal to me, as I don't touch food at all...like i eat what is served to me I want nothing to do with handling the food other than eating it, because I tend to get obsessive with measuring things out. Then my uncle comes home, and I tell him, "Hey I just made dinner and ate, so keep me away from the bathroom for a little while" Not sure why I said this, I NEVER tell them anything, so maybe it's im tired of living this way. Im scared to let go, but i need to, maybe my reality could change if i let this go...it's worth a try, right? I don't want to die, not this way

I talked to my mom for a bit today. Which normally gets me depressed but I think it went well. We talked about the things  I need to do, the things I need to move away from, to protect myself, I felt a slight hint of not being good enough, but I changed the subject. She mentioned me changing sponsors and I am against this. I told her that I trust Jen and Im not working with anyone else. She said "keep her but get another sponsor to work with too" I kept coming up with excuses not to and I was able to say, "Hmm I think ed is talking, because im getting defensive" and my mom said "Yea Im thinking excuses, excuses, excuses" So I was able to seperate it, but in the same sense I am still not getting another sponsor, because she feels like I am ready to move onto another step. I told her that Jen knows what is best, and when she feels like I am ready, im sure she'll let me know. (mind you my mom thinks im somewhat back on track with recovery)

Anyway seems like im fighting ed today, I disobeyed him and was able to realize some thoughts in my head as his not mine...

No matter what the circumstances, you have to hold on and fight till you see the good from it.

My life

I wanted to do something with my life. All these years, I had dreams of going to college and getting my degree...Im 22 now, and I only have a year of college done, because of my stupid eating disorder making me go on medical leave and not getting approved to go back. i feel stuck. I made nothing of my life. 22 years of waste. I WANTED so badly to do something. I want my degree. I want to get married. have kids. have my own place. be able to drive. But everything is connected and it looks like i won't be able to get any of those things. Like I won't be able to drive if I have seizures, and if I can't drive I cant go to school and get the job i want to pay for my own place, and who wants to marry someone like that? I want my own place to be on my own to do whatever I GODDAMN feel like doing with my food and weight. To have someone not watching me 24/7. Which I know this is the reason why I can't be on my own, and if I will ever get to that point. Anyway, I honestly feel like my 22 years on earth was a waste. It could of been given to someone else, who actually did something with their life. Funny thing is, I am thinking and feeling this way and im not depressed. I think i just came to realizations, im trying to accept how things will be in a few months to a year. What  I can accomplish and the things I have to let go of. To realize that not all dreams come true.

babbling

Today I did okay, food wise. I was having a good body image day and decided to eat, 2 meals and a snack. Im sure ill regret it tomarrow when I feel like a balloon. I did almost purge today but I decided to call my sponsor instead and she stayed on the phone with me. Even though we didn't really talk for the last 10 mins. She didn't want me to hang up because then I would go and purge so that was nice, to know that she cares that much to be on the phone and not talk haha. 

It was brought to my attention how much eds are misunderstood. That they are "diseases of choice" I wish my anorexia was a choice, because then I could stop. I mean I know in the end, I am the one doing the actions but when im in my ed. its not me. It's like something took over my mind and body, its not me. How therapists drop you if you don't do what they say, if you aren't doing good. its like a punishment for something we can't control, or control yet anyway...

Anyway I didn't go to work today (again) I ended up collapsing last night and they told me to take today off. Things are getting annoying, im missing like 2 days a week now, so i guess its better if  I do go part time, considering...but i have to still work. 

My sister and I talked today, she is looking at a place on Wed. It's an apartment though. So I will have to share a room with a 2 yr old but its only for a little while. I woke up to a text from her today saying "Just please don't die on me" I honestly don't know what to say to that considering the circumstances. 

Last night at work, I had two people ask me out. John and Kevin which is nice, but I don't like them like that (well maybe John but my cousin made it clear to stay away from him) and it's like "why now???"

Today

Today, I was on grandmom duty again and I talked to my sponsor I really think she may be giving up on me on trying to help me get to recovery. She asked how I was emotionally and food wise. I told her that I purged everything yesterday and only ate a salad today, she went mute , didn't try to convince me to eat something else because she knows it's pointless.

Work was okay. Apparently craig thought it was funny that I cried last night and told everyone about it. Which is embarrassing but in the end it shot him in the foot. People are apparently protective of me, or really want him fired. So everyone asked what happened so they could report it. I said not to bother, im over it. I probably cried for no reason, im just in a fragile mindset right now. Actually, I think tonight went better, because I wasn't working with him, I mean I was but there was another guy working with us tonight and craig well he is lazy so another person helping means he doesn't have to do anything and if he doesn't do anything he has nothing to get mad about which means I won't be the target for his anger.

I came to the point, where I just don't care anymore. I don't care what people do or say to me anymore. I am not going to be stressing out for the time I have left living. If they want to be there for me, great, if not, They are they ones who will regret it once im dead. I think I am starting to distant myself anyway. I don't want to get close to someone for them to just get hurt. Like Trina, I know would cry, she has, and I love her to death and I promised that I am not leaving but in the end i don't want the pain to be worse for her. If I distant myself from her maybe, she will forget about me, what we had and it wont hurt as much, less tears. And I can't help but to think, certain people will have regret for not being there for me now or in my past, I don't think they realize that time is literally running out. But I suppose that is out of my hands. They will have to deal with it, not me. I just don't want a funeral saying how great of a person I was if they don't even know me, didn't care to even try to know me...

Have some faith

I was struggling with bad body image today. I feel like my face got huge over night, like I woke up this morning and gained 50lbs when I was sleeping. How do I handle it? I purged. And I did yoga for an hour, and now I realize just how much exercise is a problem for me. I feel refreshed now, but I feel like I could go on a walk for hours, and do cardio. Which I know I can't safely do on my own. I got to the point where I exercised for 7 hours a day. Im no longer at that point, mainly because I am exhuasted, and my team would kill me. So right now, I am working 8 hours a day and then do cardio for 3 hour hours, so I am pretty active everyday. I was looking in the mirror and noticed that my arms are complete muscle. And my calfs. which I know what  I do to get that but it was like wow look at that! I kinda look like a man. Even though muscle weighs more than fat I much rather have muscle than fat. So I guess I am okay with it.

Work. Yesterday there was a rumor that Friday will be my last day, as the layoffs are taken place. So I am a bit overwhelmed by that. I would like to work as much as I can while I can (yep workalcholic too) i think my cousin realized the panic that ran through me, and said I will probably be off for a week and come back. Or I am okay, because my boss didn't tell me anything. So she is going to ask him today. Which I would like a week off, but I still want paychecks haha. Anyway if I do get laid off, That means no more Joy, as I wouldn't be able to afford it and I am not driving an hour for a half an hour session, when I am not around that area anyway. See joy is right near work so it works out right now. If I do get laid off, I really hope my sister lets me move in sooner than what is planned right now. I mean I did save money, so I should be okay, but I don't want to see the money disappearing with my bills and no income. So if she lets me move in earlier I can get a job faster or try to..However that means no ed sooner too. I guess what is meant to be will be right? Clearly I have no control over this situaution and I am trying to have faith and trust in that everything will be okay, everything will work out...


SO. Work. hmm. I asked the BIG boss about Friday being my last day, he said hell know by tomarrow and gave me an application for part time just in case (full time now) Which the pay rate is more, but the days are like 2-3/week. But I guess it's something. So my foreman, sees me filling it out and says, "That's funny" So I was like uhh what is that suppose to mean? I work, and Al (big boss) told me to do it. So he walked away. Then I was cleaning, and HE isn't paying attention and gets dirty, and says "What are you losing your F***ing mind?" I walked away...Then maybe 5 mins later, he comments on my education. I balled my eyes out. I may have stupid moments but I am NOT stupid, my education is the only thing that I am proud of about myself. So I cried. I walked away and he was nice the rest of the night. My cousin found out that I was crying, and she wanted to yell at him and call the big boss about it. I said its not that big of a deal, I think im just overly emotional right now and he has been giving me nothing but problems since I walked in, and he took away the one thing I am proud about. So I told her not too. It took some convincing too. haha. Then at the end of the end, he says, "she'll get over it" When someone says "man shes really mad at you" Get over it? yes I will but you could at least apologize to me. What makes you think that you can do and say the things you do to people? It's not just me, A girl actually reported him last week for how he treats people. It's just not right.

Denise

I saw Denise today. She stuck to her words, she was out in the lobby waiting for me. I acted like I didn't see her and walked right in the bathroom...she followed me. I was already in the stall when She says "Stefanieee!" I sighed and replied hi lol. I already purged this morning but I didn't feel like I got it all out so I was going to attempt to get the rest out and she interferred. I mean I know she gave me a warning that she was going to, but...

Anyway, I showed her the letter my dad wrote back. She said it sounds like he is defensive. And puts the blame on me. My dad wrote in the letter, about me talking to someone about him beating me. He's mad because he doesn't know the person. We talked about that today I was like seriously he is referring to when I was in treatment. I mean It wasn't a random person it was a therapist at Renfrew, you would think that you would want me to get over this but apparently not...Anyway, she made me realize that even thought I feel like what he wrote were just lies, it's his reality. So responding back to him will just make it go back and forth for who knows how long, because we both have different perspectives. So I am trying to accept the things on how they are, and I will take the advice Denise INdirectly gave me, which is to not respond...

I did tell her about the seizures this week and she wants me to to go the emerancy room because they are happening a lot more. I said no, i did once and they did nothing. She also remembered me bringing in my meds. I didn't do it. Not that I plan on overdosing anytime soon but we figured out that it's like a security blanket so I guess Ill try to take them next week. Which I did tell my aunt (not the truth on why I need to bring them) but I did say I need to bring my meds in next week. So she knows and will remind me or rather make sure that I actually bring them. Anyway, seizures, apparently when I talk about them I smile. Denise mentioned it as an accomplishment for ED, I said I don't think so but I guess if Im smiling when I don't realize. lol Weird how I would smile over having a seizure. I know its not a good thing but I guess that means I am sick which means I am doing okay with ed...

We also talked about my sponsor. How she posted this picture on facebook. How I was comparing her body to mine. I told her I can't help it. Last time I saw her in person I was jealous of her therighs, but she had a little belly. Now in this picture her theighs are bigger but her stomach is smaller. I then felt embarrassed for comparing my body to my sponsors. To anyone's really. And Denise says, Its dangerous to compare bodies to another womans. Which I know but it seems like I can't help it. Every person I see is better than me. Even a 500lb woman has something better than I do. Like they have smaller theighs than I do or whatever it is normally theighs that I compare to haha. I HATE my theighs so it's easy to get jealous of someone else's.

Today we did breathing exercises. I was very uncomfortable. I felt like she was staring at me, she made a comment that I wasn't pushing my stomach out. I said it's hard. I don't want you to see it. So she closed her eyes and said try. I said its still hard to see my stomach expand like this. I freaked out. She told me how it will go back down, how its like flexing a muscle. you control it just because you pop your stomach out doesn't mean it won't go back down.And she made me move my bag off my legs, and as soon as the breathing exercise were done,  I grabbed my bag and put it back on my lap. She questioned this, asking why I need it on me. I said honestly, it hides me. It hides my fat theighs. (in case you didn't catch on...my bag is not a normal one. Its like a canvas bag haha its big)

Then I was in the car with my aunt, and of course all we ever talk about is weight. She says they may be able to eat that, but if you and I were to eat that we would be rollie pollies...So note not going to eat what we  talking about. lol. Then she was talking about my dad how I have to "buck up and move forward" Seriously this is why I AM IN THERAPY. Getting over things is more than just bucking up.

In Honor of Me =)

Today was another unproductive day. I really don't know what is going on with me, it seems like I can't even keep my eyes open. Im trying to fight against it but before i know it im knocked out again. Well I guess I do know why, but I refuse to admit it. lol

I talked to my sister today, and we were talking about the baby, considering my circumstances, I won't be the godmother. But they were asking about names and they set the girls name at Adrianna and the boys they are still thinking about. But my sister says she does love the name Adrianna, however she wants to name the baby after me if they do have a girl =)

Today was a very trying day. All I did was sleep and I am still exhuasted. I am very weak today, I wanted to get a shower but my aunt didn't trust me in there alone so she sat in there with me and once I stopped responding she knew I fell back asleep. Luckily, my aunt is a smart one and told me to get a bath not a shower. Which was a bit awkward when she saw my body, noticed just how much I am struggling as im not in my layers of clothes. And it was uncomfortable for me. Well I woke up to her grabbing my arm trying to wake me back up, her saying its okay I got you, told me to hold on to the side while she washed my hair. I know I get annoyed with her at times, but today I realized just how much she cares. I am not her kid or her mom and here she is washing me. I feel so helpless. Everyday activtives are starting to get hard. For christ sake I am 22 years old and no longer take my own shower. Hopefully, its just today or the past few days and this will go away, this is quite embarrassing and I dont want people to see me like this =/

Rambling

Today, I am actually okay with my body. I mean I think I look thin. I can see see where I would like to lose a few more pounds but for the most part I am enjoying my body today. I am obsessing over my bones though, I don't want them to disappear, so I think about them and touch them to stop myself from eating, anymore. I did eat today, twice. in fact, and kept it in thus far. Though I REALLLLY would like to exercise more than usual today, and I did take laxs last night that still haven't worked =/ Which Joy tells me they don't work anymore because there is nothing in my stomach. which is crap, there is stuff in my stomach. I think they dont work because I take them everyday so now its like they only work every 2-3 days =/ I also have noticed that I am losing a lot of hair. I mean losing hair never really stopped yet but it just really kicked in the past few days. It's no longer strands, its clumps, and my aunt who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut says, "Oh look you have a bald spot" Which I said it was always there I guess I just didn't hide well today. Then she goes out and comes home with a hair extentions for me. Which I guess I should be thankful for, but I just shot her a look and had to walk away. I was sleeping all day today. I guess I over worked my body this past or week or something but I don't know how as I was sent home from work early two days and had one day off. So that is a bit confusing...

Oh it snowed here last night, massively. And my aunt has a thing about driving in the snow. So if there is still snow on the ground by monday, I might not be going into see Denise. We will still have a session just not in person, and I hate that. I feel like I can't talk if its online or on the phone, I am scared someone will see/hear. Plus I think I really have to give her my meds/razor things like yesterday. haha So I don't know if I can keep them here in my room for another week without doing something. I would take them to Joy instead but I dont see her for another two weeks as she was booked. So im not sure what I will do. And I still have to find something to say to my aunt when she sees me taking them to  Denise and leaving without them =/ I def cannot tell her oh I abused them while I was here and I want to overdose 4 out of 7 days per week. This whole snow thing kinda sucks, I mean I know I am moving in a few months, but chances are we will snow so I wont be able to see Denise. Which I am nervous enough transitting back home, going a little while without a therapist until I find a new one (one back home refuses to take me on again as she doesnt want to sign my death cerfitcate) But denise says she will help me find one, and until then she will still do phone sessions with me as she knows that I am not in a place where I cannot have a therapist. I feel like I will always need a therapist haha


Oh I also woke up this morning with this pretty thing on my leg...NO idea where it came from, so if you have any ideas, please let me know so I never wake up with another one as they aren't that pain free haha

Okay haha im just rambling now

Losing Control

My boss is really pissing me off anymore. I think he wants to see how much he can push my limit. Today he was yelling at me, acting like I wasn't working because I was talking to someone which by the way, was work related, and he kept going and going, So I walked away, guess what, he follows me! So I said something and he replied back and I was about to yell (ME YELL HAVE ANGER WHAT IS GOING ON???????) Then I bit my tongue and thought no I would like to keep my job for the time I have left up here. And my cousin and John look at me and say, "he's being a dickhead today" Seriously though he needs to back off me, I am doing my job, sorry today I wasn't as fast as normal but I have a broken finger, (confirmed) so it's kinda hard to be able to grasp the books without being in pain.

Then I have a seizure, yup again. I was sent home yet again. I had one on Monday night and was sent home early and was told to take Tuesday off, then I have one today and they let me leave early again. The whole thing is weird. I always used to get them when I was sleeping, or I knew it was coming, not anymore. It just happened. No warning and wide awake at work for the 2nd time at work this WEEK So I know things are getting bad, but I think emotions play a part of it. I mean I know I get seizures because of my purging, but it seems lately that when I am overwhelmed I get them more. So I might not tell my team about this one, as when I told Joy on Wed she freaked out because she apparently didn't know that I was still getting them. And denise doesn't like the fact that I work with machines and it can be dangerous. But in the end I guess they will find out, I will write in my journal about it and my therapist reads this. She also has the link to this, but I don't know if she actually reads it.

I am also super paranoid lately. I get scared way too easily. Like I haven't talked to my sponsor today, and she didn't reply to a text and right away I  thought what did I do, I did something shes mad...but she said I did nothing. She's just busy. which is always the case, she is always busy and I KNOW this!!!  So I am not sure why it's effecting me so much lately...I know I am superrrr needy right now, I know I am not getting my needs met but I am just going through a lot right now. It's too much to handle on my own  and I don't know if I can keep going like this.

Thoughts

How would you react if someone were to tell you that you have 6 months to a year left for living? Would you change anything about your life right now, say if you couldn't help but dying? Would you treat people differently? would you tell them, "Hey yea, im dying"? Or would you keep it to yourself so they don't change how they are with you? Would you let people know how you feel about them? Would you quit your job and do the things you always dreamed about? Would you be happy? Sad? Angry? Just wondering.

Anyway, I think I may have broken, or dislocated my pinky tonight at work..I wasn't paying attention or lost my balance or something and slammed a cart against the machine with my finger in between the two. Immediately I couldn't bend it, now I can but it still hurts. And its red and swollen, my cousin and uncle looked at it and they say it looks like my knuckle popped out of the socket as my finger is like an inch away from my other fingers. haha


Speaking of my uncle...he apologized for last night, which I suppose is good, but once im hurt, i put a wall up. Words are permenant. They are like tattoos on your heart. He gave me a hug and I pulled away. And I haven't really spoken to him since. besides, "hi".  I am pretty sure he saw my cuts on my arm but he didn't say anything about it yet...and I texted Joy saying, what he said and how I might stop going, she said, "I hope he didn't influence you, it's not a good time to quit, things take time and I was worried about not seeing you for two weeks (she was full) instead of one week away and now I may never see you again, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stop right now, please think about it" well Okay I mean I don't really want to stop, I want to be able to see my weight, plus going to her gives me a plan so I know if I eat how much isn't overboard and it's like a therapy session. She is more of a therapist than a nutritionist (just without the degree) and it gives me a balance. Like when I see denise I feel like I can breath again, then 2-3days pass and I can't and I see Joy and it releases everything again. I feel like they are the only safe people I have to talk to right now. Anyway, I don't think the choice is mine, really as I have stupid seizures and can't drive there on my own. But now I have a feeling that if I tell my uncle, "I am not going to Joy anymore" it's going to be a problem, like what the hell Im damned if I do and Im damned if I don't

Comes and Goes

I had my weigh in today. I apparently read last weeks weight wrong (try reading it upside down) I thought I gained 6lbs when I gained 4lbs. This week I lost two. Which I was pretty happy about (which btw Jen I DIDN'T  end up purging dinner after not eating breakfast) Anyway, I was full of smiles when I saw a lower number, I felt relief, like I could breath again. Though after talking to jen, I did notice that when I saw the lower number I was thinking of how to lose the other two I gained and then to get to my next goal, and next...Anyway, Of course Joy wasn't too pleased with me, and she found out about my seizure at work on Monday and asked if Im scared. I said I used to be, not anymore, just like when I first threw up blood I got scared, stopped purging for a week, went to the hospital who only gave me meds and nothing else to "fix" this, and started purging again, not scared anymore as the hospital didn't seem tooooo concerned so that means I am okay. She asked, "Are you scared of cancer?" I said, things are scary yes, but it's different when you live this way for so long every single day, its the norm, not living this way is what is scary for me...

Today was okay at work, though my boss did make a comment on how I wasn't there yesterday (when I was approved to get off)

Then I come home and see that my dad wrote back to me. I wasn't expecting it at all! Obviously it wasn't a good response but I guess at least it's a response. I feel like I set myself up, I mean I knew he was going to be upset with what I had to say, how I feel but I wasn't expecting this. I feel so stupid, And I im not upset by what he wrote but the entire letter is a lie. Literally every sentence is wrong, or not what I remember and I don't think its true...my cousin sees me reading it getting upset, and asks if I am okay and that she will have her phone on her. Well my uncle seemed mad at me for sending it..He said, "I dont know what you sent, but I hope you got what you wanted"(not really but it's what I get for voicing my feelings to him) He then goes on and tells me how concerned he is about me moving back home, to the place where my ed started, to being monitored by family and not my team how strict its going to be. And to finish it off, how irresponsible I am being...Seriously kick me when I am down, thanks...He says this past weekend was a test (which I failed) he didn't give me anything to eat until dinner, hoping I would get something on my own. Since I am 22 and should be able to take care of myself. I am sorry. I HAVE and EATING DISORDER, what makes you think that I would willingly grab something to eat when I am not hungry?? Do you have any idea on how hard it is to get something to eat, let alone get something to eat when someone is standing in the kitchen watching you? Its extremely uncomfortable for me and I won't do it. I am trying, I know it may seem like I'm not, but I am...im just not where you want me to be right now, and for your info, when I was home for the holidays I did better than what I am doing now. So obviously I CAN do it, but thanks for having faith in me...I just want to be able to do one thing right. Just one...thats where ed comes in. But even then I feel like I don't do that right =/ I just want to be accepted. to be good enough for someone.

I might act like a 2 yr old today

Today is a big day for me, I have my weigh in...Last week I gained 6lbs and I am freaking out about it. I really hope I lost this week, but I know how much I would of liked to lose is like impossible in a week unless I did have water retention. I know my team wants me to gain weight, I know  =/ I am awake, I exercised all night until  my grandmom woke up so from 2 to 830 ish (on gmom duty again which means I am on my own for meals...and I can't seem to bring the fork to my mouth today) I was standing in the front of the mirror a few minutes ago and I honestly don't see if I lost even a pound, I feel like I gained twenty, so I am a bit nervous to see what my weight is today, but I feel like I HAVE to know. I feel like this could make or break me. I have been trying not to purge, still restricting but I dont think enough to do anything. If that number went up I seriously might explode, I might scream, and cry and storm out of my appointment. I have a feeling that my nutritionist caught on how much it effected me last week. As I texted her everyday asking if this or that could make me lose and if she thinks I am really that number. So I have a feeling that she won't even let me get on the scale today, which is probably a good thing but I NEED to know it this week.

I talked to my sponsor and she was pretty harsh today. Told me that I need to eat breakfast as I already skipped it. Said I am taking a step back from the days I haven't purged. If I don't eat now, im more likely to purge tonight. She said I might not even get weighed today. So taking a step back isn't worth the possibilty of stepping on a scale. I told her, "Yea, but I don't know if I can do it today" It's already set in my mind that I won't eat, and once its in my mind, there's no point really trying to convince me otherwise. She said she will give me a half hour to pray and read the ABA book and she will call me back, and if I can't she will try to help me through it again. She is even trying to convince me that I don't eat that much. Said my yougurt is like 3 oz and it won't effect my weight in 3 hours. But it will. I will be heavier with something in my stomach opposed to nothing, and she said, " Im a doctor I know" haha.She also said, "You already screwed up today, I mean I am not trying to be serious when I say that but I am saying that is what ed will say, and that is why you are more likely to purge dinner later" Honestly if the weight is up again is why I would purge later, not because I didn't eat this morning...

Taking off my mask

Cracking joints, bulging veins, always cold, dizziness when I stand up, numbness in my feet (as if they are not connected to my body) when laying down...hints that I MAY, just may be too thin now. I managed to eat two meals and one snack today, and KEPT everything in, I have not yet exercised or taken laxatives today. In then end you would think I would feel proud of myself, but I don't. I feel nothing but guilt. I feel stupid because I have my nutritionist tomarrow and I am terrified that the number has stayed the same or worse(well worse to me) went up. Yet at the moment, I feel like I could eat everything in this house. So if this is what recovery brings me I am not sure I can do it. To feel this out of control, to be afraid to eat not because of the calories but because of a fear that I won't be able to stop. To become like my sister and turn my anorexia into binge eating. Joy once told me, that if you are at such a low weight for a while, in the next decade you will be overweight because your body is still catching up with how hungry it was. THAT fricken terrifies me, I dont think I would let that happen but my sister did. She was anorexic now shes overweight. What if it happens to me? I already feel like I have a double chin, my theighs are almost touching, my stomach is bulging out. I am trying very hard to hold on but I feel worse than what I did when I was in my ed. Not saying I am cleared of ed. Im not, I know that but today I was. And I haven't purged since Thursday. as I have a very tender lump under my jaw, which I thought was ed related...but it's not =/ (anyway whatever the reasons are it's still an improvement for me!!!)

Then the next moment, I see a slimquick diet commerical. And they have a 25lb challenge, well I said outloud (whoops) maybe I should try that =/ I know I can't, I know my team would kill me but that's ed for you. I didn't have work today, for medical reasons and I hate it, I mean I don't love my job but while I am at work my head takes a break.  well I guess not a break but its not as loud. It keeps me distracted (well besides right before/during/after I eat) I spoke to my sponsor today and she said "it seems like you are having good days now, and you havent purged. I think its connected" Well maybe, but I am still doing other ed activites, and yesterday I had a good day and before that was def not good days, so I told her "Im faking it until I make it" Which she then mentioned how sometimes that is what we have to do, but I hate that saying. I feel like when I say it, it's giving me an excuse to lie, to pretend everything is okay, to put on my happy mask...I don't want to anymore. I am tired of acting like everything is ok when its not. I want to be able to say "I am hurt my father left me", "I am hurt that I was taken advantage of", "My first real boyfriend didn't care about me or his wife and kids he just cared about him and what he wanted",  "I am hurt when I feel like my mom would chose her boyfriend over her daughter" "I am pissed off about what ed took from me, that I had to take time off school, that I had to move, etc" or, "I have cancer"....but nope. everything is fine. IT'S NOT, and since when is it not okay to feel like shit or be mad or whatever about things? It's not fair. I have a right to feel bad, to be pissed about how my life is being lived. I have a right and I am TIRED of acting like everything is okay! But I can't say a word. My lips are forever sealed for that make believe family. The family who has no issues. The fake family you see on TV. That is how I was raised. To hide everything that is going on in the inside from the outside. I mean I get it, I do but it's not right. It shouldnt have to be this way. Honestly whose family has no issues at all? NONE? I have yet to find one so why must we always put on this show...its not reality and the only ones we are fooling is ourselves. Clearly acting fine, and like everything is okay, everything tightly bottled up isn't working for me. I feel like I have this meter, where I have a limit of how much info or emotions I can hold and I am just about over that limit, if Im not already, where everything is just about to pop out, let the world into my world, let them take a glimpse then as soon as you let it out tightly squeeze everything back in and hope that nobody was listening.

Considering the circumstances...a good day whattt?

Today I had therapy. Which like always,  I was honest, and I told her about Friday night. She decided that taking my meds away from me is a good idea. So I have to text her tomarrow telling her what meds I have, and how many pills (to keep me accountable) and bring them to her next Monday. Then I suggest bringing my razor blade in too. Then I freaked out. I told her, "Just because I held it to my throat not too long ago, not to keep me from cutting, I am not going to stop cutting" She said thats okay, baby steps, and we will continue to work on finding other ways to deal with emotions. Then, stupid me tells her how much I have been purging before sessions and she suggests that on Monday (next time I see her) that instead, I go into her office and talk about it. She also said "but if you feel like you can't do it, I will let you go to the bathroom and purge just try to do something about it before hand" So that is comforting a little awkward as I feel like she will come to the bathroom with me and then I won't be able to. And ed will say "shes okay with it... now its like easy access" I just couldn't seem to stay focused. I have a lot on my mind, and I was all over the place. I was looking around the room like it was my first time in there. She had to say my name in every sentence to get my attention back. Then asked, "Are you okay? Is something on your mind that you need to talk about? You seem distant" I said no, but in reality umm yea things are on my mind that I should talk about but in the end if I talk about it it makes it my reality, and I don't want to face that this is happening all over again.

Today I became honest with myself. I admitted to myself, that I have had binges. Maybe not a binge considered to others but I would def consider it a binge. Not recently but I have, and I think I denied it for so long because im anorexic and its embarrassing and shameful. I wrote in my journal, so denise will read all about that next week...

Then I was at work, and a girl comes up to me and says, "Do you have a problem with eating? you're weird with food" I was like "uhhh who told you?" She said, "No its just your like super picky and healthy when it comes to food and you pick it apart its just not normal, and your super thin, so I just put things together" Which was good and bad. It's like "Shit I am not doing a good job at hiding it anymore" Then it became a praise in a way, like "See you're doing awesome, people know you are so thin that they think/realize you have a problem" Kinda sick but thats my head for you. I also got a comment on my age, someone said  I look 12. someone else said 19..I was like nope 22. They were like "GET OUT" hmm lol ok? OHHH and someone was talking about their daughter having a 9lb baby, and this jerk says, "Better keep that baby on a diet" SERIOUSLY? I mean I know he didn't mean anything by it but honestly like its a newborn and thats what you are going to say? No wonder eds develop at a young age anymore. The baby isn't related to me and I wanted to jump across the table. But he was rude in general, was taking everyone's lunch and being demanding about it saying "Hey give me some of that" and being inpatient about it tapping his paper towel to get their attention..Super annoying, I said here have mine and leave them alone and walked away. haha Like you are a grown ass man, be polite, respectful, bring your own food. holy cow!
Work was actaully good today, I was goofing around with John a lot and rumors spread that he is my boyfriend (which no offense not my type) So it made things go by pretty fast, until...I had a seizure. Which was a good night because I wasn't running the machines so i was far from any danger...They sent me home early, (930 instead of 11) and told me to take tomarrow off. which is okay I guess I mean I am missing a pay, but tomarrow is going to be crazy anyway with stupid appointments.

Tonight, I refuse to cry.

My head has been a bit of a mess lately. Which is making me act like a crazy person. Seriously having trantums like I am 2 years old. Nit picking at everything. EVERYTHING getting to me. It's really annoying because its ruining all the relationships I have left. Though I did work on a relationship tonight, told her what is actaully going on with me and though she understands where I am coming from now, I feel like it's an excuse which wasn't wasnt my intention. Like just because of this I am acting this way and thats not the case. I dont want to use this as an excuse. So I am beating myself up for even saying anything. I didnt even think about it I mean its been on my mind but when we were talking I was having a trantrum and it just came out. Isn't that what you call a Freudelin (however you spell it) slip? I dont know I mean I know our relationship will never be what it once was but i dont think it is what it has been this past week. I mean I dont feel like she hates me anymore. I talked to her tonight without crying or cutting tonight still going to be taking a break for a little while as I have my issues to deal with and she has hers. Ive been having conflicted feelings, like on top of everything else this was bothering me. Obviously if you read my last post haha. This chicka is like a big sister to me. And I really didn't want to let go. I don't want to. I don't get this close with anyone. really I have only gotten this close with Val (old therapist who had to quit due to her anorexia and me connecting with her so much because "she knew how to do it right") This chick and one other girl...Y'all know who you are. Anyway, enough about that ...

I talked to my old dance teacher tonight, and it reallllly made me miss dance. She was asking about my ED, how im doing. And we were talking about her's. She is doing amazing, and she never went to treatment or therapy or anything, which to me is like a miracle. I mean ive been to treatment. Ive been to hospitals. Ive been in therapy for how many years now? AND still I am struggling. Part of the convo ed decided to jump in: 

• • did you think i was fat then?
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Lisa King

  • No but I knew something wasn't right with you. That was most apparent
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Stefanie Felix

  • how did you know something was wrong?
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Lisa King

  • Because I said something about a costume. I said u needed a small as opposed to an xsmall so u quit. I said it because u were too TALL for an xsmall, regardless of how it was around ur waist.
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Stefanie Felix

  • oh gosh you remember that huh im sorry i took it as im a fatty i seriously thought I was the biggest one there. still something i need to work on i guess.

• 
  

   Dance was something that ALWAYS meant a lot to me. I can't believe I let ed take that away from me because of a STUPID COMMENT. LIKE SERIOUSLY? I remember when she first told me that she has an ed, she cried, and how she talked about it I thought she was lying about it. But tonight how she talked about it I was like shit this is for real. Which sucks but I am so glad that I have one more support person. I mean one who understands. I remember when I told her what was going on, I ended up staying at the studio for a half and hour to an hour after to "help miss lisa close up" When in reality we sat and talked. We got close, but I don't think I every let her in. I mean I shared with her but I was always paranoid that she would say something as this was before college so I never sat down and told my mom that I needed help at this time. So I remember always saying "Don't say anything to..." im sure I was annoying but i think she was the one person at the time who I felt like I could talk to, she was the only one who knew well besides my high school's assumptions. And I think she knew that. I remember one time I was walking out of the studio after ballet class and she said "Hey stef can you stay to lock up with me" Turns out she knew I something was off then too. I remember calling the studio one time, and Miss Lynn answered and I asked Is Miss lisa there, she said yes but she is teaching a class right now. I said will she be able to talk tonight she said YES but she is teaching right now. SO I said Just ask her she will know what I am talking about lol...Then my dance recital. MY BIG DANCE RECITAL. the year I went en point. I remember doing my hip hop routine and as I am coming off stage Miss Lisa runs to me and hugs me and says its my best performance yet though I looked like a ghost with the stage lights on me. Told me I needed to eat. I said I can't. I am nervous and my IBS will get worse if there is food in it...So I went back on stage for ballet and yup...I pass out. I remember we were in a a circle holding the other girls arms as we lifted our legs and I lost my balance and Allie noticed and really grabbed onto me. So the routine was a bit off but I managed to finished and pass out the second I got off stage haha.

  
  

  
  

  
  

A friend that will last a lifetime (that isn't ed)

I honestly can't express how much Trina means to me. Friday night I was a wee bit sucidal, she came on facebook like perfect timing and I talked to her for a little bit then we went on skype until 4 am my time. I told her what was going on. I cried. Which she knew and I looked away because I HATE crying in front of others. I feel like when I do I am a weak person. I am vulnerable. The thing is I don't think she cared. I think she would want me to let the tears out rather than just putting on my happy mask with her. When I turned away from looking at her she told me to look at her. haha. She is very non judgemental. she listened to why I was so upset and tried to calm me down but she also tried to understand the other person's point of view. Which she did help. A lot, it might not seem like it because I did act out a bit but honestly I wouldn't of stopped myself when I did if I haven't talked to her that night. She also cried, told me what an impact I had on her and can't stand not talking to me the next day. It took like an hour for her to convince me to call or text her anytime if the urges get worse. Which this woman is impossible. I told her I would try but  I don't want to wake her, She said she didn't care and "try" isn't good enough haha. (which trina if you read this...i like this about you) She wanted me to promise her, and I just couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't What if I broke that promise? I told her I really want to be able to tell you what you want to hear, but thus far I have been honest you and I don't want that changing...Anyway we ended up making a plan that I would text her and then call the TAPP line then call her if that doesn't work...well it didn't really work out that way. My uncle heard me crying and sat in the other room with the lights off. (NO idea he was in there) and when we "hung" up on skype, he was talking to me and ended up taking the situation out of my hands. So sorry trina that I didn't text you =/

I think I've been living in my past a lot lately (which Joy will kill me if she knew this haha as she always tells me not to). I have a lot of memories in my head about my ex and about my dad. I can't seem to escape them. No matter how hard I try. I came to realize that I can't change people no matter how much I want to. I can't and it sucks. I also realized that people change over time, and I'm expecting things to be the same when clearly they aren't. I don't handle change well I guess, or maybe its ed way of keeping me isolated. Who knows.

I feel very misunderstood which I know that is my fault. I say everything the wrong way. I do everything wrong. I am just not in a good place right now. And if I were to open to let people understand what is going on with me I am sure they would understand...But  I can't dare do it. I can't open myself up like that. It would be easier to hurt me and its already pretty easy to do that. I don't know how they would react, and I don't want people changing how they are with me. I want them to be real I want them to understand sure, but I don't want their pity. So for now, my secret shall remain a secret and I will have to do this on my own.


I am sitting here trying to eat my snack, as I did sort of restrict today, (SEE TRYING), anyway, Cole decides to message me on skype. (my molestor or whatever you would consider what he did to me) and I freeze. Immediately my hands start shaking, and my heart begins to race. I don't reply back but still. I know he has power over me, he could say one thing to me and I would fall into pieces. I want to know what the hell he wants but I know I can't handle it. To even see him log on makes me nervous. Anyway, of course ed pops in and says, "Do you know exactly how many calories is in what you are eating? you dont have to, the dogs are right here give it to them, nobody is watching" And now I want to. It is a lot of calories, well for me..and I don't know how to get over this, right now...

done

Ok it's a known fact that I have abandonment issues. even if that is not the case if you say you need a break from me im sorry that is what i related it too. I have a father who left me. A parent should never leave their child. And everytime someone leaves even if its tempority that is how I feel. Like I did something wrong for them to leave. And all I do is be honest. I know that is wrong but its just how I feel.

I care about others more than  I care about myself and for someone to sit there and question that  if I care about them or not hits hard. It means im not doing a good job and showing them that but I think I need some slack as I was not shown that I was cared or loved about when i was growing up. I am trying.

I know I am triggering. But I can't do this to myself anymore. So im thinking i just need to stop talking. stop breathing. I am single handly ruining all the relationships i have left. And I can't deal with getting hurt anymore. I just dont think trying a wack at life isnt worth it anymore is all I am doing is triggering others and im getting hurt, bringing others down with me. And everything I say being taken the wrong way. i just i can't do it anymore. im sorry, this isn't because of you as I know you are going to take this that way its just something for me. Its to take away and to keep away the pain.

Joy

I ended up going to my Nutritonist yesterday though I didn't want to because I thought I lost weight...yea didn't I gained 6lbs!!!! SIX POUNDS, how? I am not sure...I did kinda freak out. Which Joy tried to calm me down by saying that was I am not actually that weight, and its a good thing and when I purge so much there is a fluid shift I asked her if she promised that and she said "I can't promise, I have seen this before though and when you are not purging  I will be able to better predict your body" =/ I just dont get it. It's pissing me off too. Which I tell her I want to lose and she says "Honey you have nothing to lose, your low, and I am worried about you medically" I said, "Well I think I can afford to lose some, but okay" haha So that kinda of turned into "No you can't" "yes I can" thing for about 5 mins. She said my goal weight is crazy to think about getting there, when I told her I would like to lose 15 more and then I will be good, then I can stop. She said yea until you get there and want to lose 5 more and 5 more.

Then I tell her that I have  had a headache for the past two days (now three) where its to the point where I might not go into to work. I bend my head down and it makes it a lot worse and I bend a lot at work I told her I took Tylnol (which I dont take meds at all because i dont know if there is calories in it so you know im in pain) and Joy said that it wouldn't help...she overreacted. Said it was either dehydration and was asking about my urine color. Or low blood sugar. Why can't it be just a headache, why does everything have to go back to ed. Why cant a headache just be a headache???

Then I told her how I am moving in a few months. She wasn't so happy about that. Says I can't stop my treatment. As I told her when I move I will get a new therapist as everyone is really pushing for that, but I think I can go without a nutritionist as I am not listening to her anyway. She said it takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to start doing it. I know you hear me, and understand but ed gets in the way. So She said she knows some good nutritonists down where I am moving then she also suggested me seeing her once a month (which is cut back as I am seeing her once a week right now) I just looked at her. I am sorry I like you, but no way in hell am I going to 3 hours there for a half an hour appointment to drive 3 hours back home...just not happening.

Therapy

Well today I feel therapy actually did something for me. (more so than usual)

We didn't talk about treatment. So that was good, I was kind of mad at denise when I first walked in because I was going to purge but she went to the bathroom. So I went in her office and she said, "Why aren't you looking at me" Haha so I told her, "well I was going to purge but then I saw you walking in the bathroom and thought 'damnit denise'" haha

We somewhat talked about Cole (molestation) but I got quiet and I assume she realized that it's still a touchy subject to actually talk about, and she dropped it and talked about work.

I also shared my letter to my dad with her. And she said it's appriate and maybe will give me some relief. I don't know what to do, I don't want to start more things with him. I don't think he will respond to it but if he does I see it being a fight. But I told denise, "I think I have enough respect for him still to tell him in a letter why I won't be calling anymore, rather than feeling like I am ignoring him" Then I shared it with my aunt and she wants me to send it. So to my readers...what do you think I should do???
Here's what I wrote,


Dad, 
I'm not sure why we aren't talking. I know the reasons why I stopped calling. I tried to make things work. I've made plans over and over again to get blown off each time, and every time it hits hard. So I'm wondering if it worth my recovery, my health anymore. I know we didn't talk over the holidays, because I didn't call, but a phone can work both ways. It is not just my responsibilty to reach out to you, you can pick up the phone and call me once in a while...holidays or not. When you didn't wish me a happy birthday (which if it is because I didn't call on Thanksgiving, is very immature) I know it's not that big of a deal to you, but it is to me. Not getting a birthday wish from a parent was like you didn't want me born. Or you forgot about me, or both. I know you are going to blame me for how our relationship has turned out as last time I confronted you at renfrew you said I was just like my sister and im ruining things...but honestly look at the facts. How is it everyone else when you don't talk to anyone? Your kids, your brother, and your mom...I really hope you open your eyes soon. You are missing out on your children's lives, your grandkid's life, and time is running out with your mom. Normally I would just let this go and bottle it up, but you effect more people than you realize. Your mom sat here and cried for hours when she received your holiday card because she knows, "Can't wait to see you soon" isn't going to happen. I still want my dad, I always will and I thought something was wrong with me, but seeing how you effect your mom I know it's not. I just really hope you come to your senses, before it's too late 

Until things change 
Stefanie


Suggestions would be much appricatated =)

Update...the letter is in the mailbox...not saying it will be there still tomarrow morning but i guess that is still a step forward

Work...work was boring. All people are talking about is this layoff thing, which I am trying  very hard not to worry about it until it happens. As I don't know if Ill be effected...but anyway work was boring. My boss wasn't in so nothing was accomplised which is effecting my self worth tonight.
So I was talking to someone tonight, and she was asking me what im doing to stay so thin, and stupidly I tell her the truth and she says, "I should do that too then" Which well I felt like she was taking over my ed.like stealing it from me.  But then I felt guilt. Like if she does what I do, and something happens to her...it's my fault. I feel so stupid like I should have known when she was asking questions about foods I eat what my weight is, etc.

updates

So I saw Joy on Thursday, And she made a comment for me to exercise more, instead of purging. She also said, "I don't think you can do 100 jumping jacks" I said defensively, "Yes I can, I do cardio everynight for 3 hours" Well it's been playing with my head, so I texted her last night asking if she doesn't think I can because im not in shape...she texted back. "No I said I can't. And I dont really want you doing that, as your not eating enough to maintain a good sugar level, and I worry about you passing out" So ed really twists things around...and I know I posted about the baby being a motivator and doing well now so it's not as hard when I move...it's not working out. Ed convinced me to lose more weight now since I won't be able to in a few months =/

Anyway, update on moving, my sister is looking for a house with a finished basement that will be my area. So that is pretty cool.

We are having a lot of people getting laid off at work. And I am a temp which my cousin says, temps have to go first before the people who are hired...So I was freaking out last night, thinking what am I going to do as I know I won't be able to get a job right away when I move because of the time of the year. And I still have bills to pay and rent im sure will be higher when i move. So I confronted my boss and he said they have a contract with the union saying if they layoff temps are okay to stay, AND he is fighting for me and one other temp to stay. So that makes me feel really good. But a little guilty as he is fighting for me and not knowing im leaving in a few months.

Then I wrote a letter to my dad. Im not sure exactly why as nobody told me to do it. Now I am debating if I should send it or not and I keep thinking I have to add more etc...if I do it it has to be perfect...as I am not doing this again . I mean I know this letter isn't going to change him. The letter I sent to him when I was Renfrew did nothing. But I know his actions aren't effecting just me. It's effecting a lot more. And that's not okay with me. Like my 86 year old grandmom def does not deserve this. And time with her is limited so I feel like I have to do something. if not for me, for her.

So as you can see, my head is playing a lot of back and forth games lately. I just don't know what to do about a lot of things right now and it's pissing me off =/

YAY good news after a long horrible week

Well I had a rough morning. I was confronted about purging last night. Then I saw my nutritionist, and that went...ok i guess. I haven't seen her in a month. The only thing that went wrong with the session was how she doesn't want me purging and if I need the endorphines rush than to exercise not purge. She really doesn't want me purging, I was like "I do exercise" I got defenisve, Ed took that as "see she wants you to exercise now because your fat (which she didn't even weigh me) in the end I know its to replace the purge. It's hard to accept it as it is.

Then I go to work, and my sister texts me, "Call me when you can" Immediately I think, "Oh no something happened. Is the baby okay? are you okay?" Well I tell my boss and he lets me walk away to see if its urgent or not. Turns out my sister and her husband are renting out a house and offered me to move in with them. She says my mom and stepdad and will (her husband) think it might be better for me. Of course there are rules, and I have a contract with them, saying if I am in ED i have to leave. Which is scary to be completely 100% ed free. But I think I may want to be in the city, see the baby 24/7 be back near friends, get closer to my life goals, be a 22 yr old more than being/trying to be a certain weight. Ed popped in still, said, "Better lose everything you can now" Then I was standing in the bathroom and I walked out and thought "Why not start being ed free today? I mean I am going to have to when i move, and i rather have the first few rough months here than at home with everyone on my back" So yay i kept dinner in today =)

Then I get home, and talked to my uncle. He says I should make a back up plan in case I do get kicked out (rule is if i slip up once I get kicked out) which my uncle says isn't fair..But he is concerned like if I do get kicked out..then what. So it sounds like If i move back home, he doesn't want me coming back. But hopefully I won't have to worry about that. Hopefully I won't slip up. Then I said, "Okay well I am happy, and first night Im not crying and I am excited and im not going to ruin this, and I have time to think everything through"(they are getting a house in feb/march and want time alone before I move in but I will be there BEFORE/During/after the baby is born)  so we ended the converstation with things I need to work on like setting boudries and eating more, etc.

I really think this might be the push I needed. To make me want to do better, and being closer to it. It just gives me such much hope and something to look forward to, which I have been lacking lately...

It is what it is....(trigger warning)

So my uncle confronted me today. So I already feel like this day isn't going to not so much fun...

My cousin walked in when I was purging last night and told my uncle about it. Of course ed finds a creative lie to cover itself up. I said, "I was blowing my nose and throw it in the toilet(when she saw I was facing that way) and the bathroom smelled like vomit because there is a bug going around, everyone seems to be sick." He said but it smelled like your drink" I said, "Well last time I purged (or was caught purging) I told you the truth why wouldn't I now?" Then he started talking about me being home, how if the food isn't made for me, and placed in front of me, how I wouldn't eat. I said, "I was home last week, most of the time by myself and I did" Which I did, I mean I still restricted but I did eat...My meal plan right now, is restricted, I know it is because my nutritionist doesn't want to give me the plan I should actaully eat because she is trying to ease me into things and is trying to lessen the amount of times I purge. But I did follow my plan when I was home for the most part...Then my uncle is concerned because he knows something is bothering me as I am crying a lot. But I don't know what to tell him because I don't know what is making me cry. And he says, "I think something happened, because you quit smoking and now you are back to smoking, you were doing so well" Well yes ok I know, I do want to stop again, but with everything going on, it's another stress remover. I don't really like smoking, but it makes me feel like I can breath again. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like when someone has concerns they don't say anything until they have to many concerns. I think they should come to me with one at a time, not all of them at once, because it's overwhelming for me and I am the one who is trying to get better. And the feeling, of not being accepted or not being good enough comes up which is always hard to deal with.

...so now I am feeling guilty that I lied and how do I make that go away?? I use ed again. Anyway, it's non of her business. It's my body. It's my ed. People need to back off. I mean I get that she was concerned, but seriously then come to me about it, don't go telling everyone else, than me waking up to a lecture and ruin the next day too. So I am thinking of confronting my cousin but that just make matters worse, as my uncle im not sure totally believes the lie. And getting that defensive and mad will just make him read more into it.

Anyway I can see now that ed is being defensive and that is why I am pissed. I mean I know they know I am struggling, they have for a while now. I just hate being confronted about it. And I hate being talked about. Like if you have an issue or concerns for me, then grow up and talk to me, don't tell on me...

round and round again

Here we go again. Went to work and cried...again. Seriously why am I crying so much. i don't know but it's annoying. I talked to my mom today and I feel like I am just not good enough for her. With everything. I just want to be accepted. For where I am in my so called disease. She wants me to be normal, and I want to be normal to but it't just no possible. I won't be normal. I have a ed. She expects me to never have a bad day which just isn't fair to me. I just feel like her expectations are too high. This whole converstation started when I asked, " will I be able to be home when the baby is born?" She didn't say yes, she didn't say no. It is my sister's first baby, I HAVE to be there. So i cried. my sister happened to call me and said I need to be there, so maybe i could stay at her place for a few weeks. So I can see before/durning/after. I just feel like that little girl or boy isn't going to know who their aunt is, because im too selfish to get better and let go of ed.

Anyway...my sister is looking like is having a girl. Still too soon to know, but the heartbeat is 174/min which is high and higher heartbeats tend to be girls =) and it's healthy she is due august 14th. Names will be Adrianna Corinne, or Gullimero (spanish for william) but will be called Jr. And I was the first one to see pictures of the ultrasound =) I am sooo excited. It is one thing I need to have hope in.

Aunt Lou

Can I just say I HATE CANCER????

My aunt passed away from cancer. Cancer takes away all the people who shouldn't die. Not saying people deserve to die, but she didn't want to die. Some people do. I think I should have died, not her. And here I am, feeling a tremedous amount of guilt for not going to her funeral, because I was "too sick" Seriously I am sick...sick in the head. Who doesn't go to a funeral because your too selfish?? I do =/  Anyway, she didn't want us to know. Nobody knew she had cancer because she didn't want pity (which people do tend to teach you differently if they know you have a disease of some sort..talking from experience) so nobody knew until her last month with us. And we only knew because she was in the hospital.

She was such an incredible woman .So strong, just the fact that she was dealing with this on her own, had to be extremely hard, to feel alone, for people not knowing or understanding why you are so tired all the time. Last time I saw her, (yup "too sick" to see her in the hospital too) was at her house. She was full of joy. Had this relaxing water fountain that she was excited about. And she let me pick something of her's to keep. And I picked this bunny stuff animal, dressed in green. Well the dogs here thought it was a new toy and I FREAKED OUT. luckily it wasn't ruined. That's all I have from her. That's it. Just this silly stuffed animal to remember this incredible amazingly strong woman.

Anyway, tears are rolling. I just wanted to say, I HATE cancer, and
I MISS YOU AUNT LOU <3 I hope you rest in peace I LOVE YOU!

Back to work, I go

hmm today. Where to start. Well I went back to work today, though my therapist mentioned me not going back for right now...And yea, kinda a bad idea. I don't know what is going on with my body but my heart was racing. My boss looked at me and checked my pulse so he let me sit down haha. So I texted my nutritonist and she says "Low electrolytes, please don't purge tonight, it's not a good idea to do it tonight if you heart is giving you signs that it isn't happy with you" Which I didn't well not tonight, I did earlier in the day. But it's weird my heart only raced when I was standing. I sat down I was fine. I stood up and it just wouldn't go away. It's rather annoying. So I texted my sponsor who is a doctor and she pretty much said the same thing =/ I have also been having weird pains. Like my knees now throb. And when I go to lay down, my feet feel so heavy and numb, best way to explain it is a detached feeling. My sponsor says this is also because of low electrolytes =/

Anyway at work everyone told me how I was missed. How when I was gone, the place didn't look clean haha. And I shared with everyone that my sister is having a baby, and Ryan says, "What, you're pregnant?" I shot him a look and said, "Do I look pregnant???" which I took the wrong way he was asking because I don't look pregnant which is good I guess because im not haha. Then ed had a roll, and I started a conversation on how I wish I was taller, because Im too short and taller people carry the weight better...yea he said "Honey from my eyes your not carrying any weight at all so I wouldn't worry about it" haha

It's really frustrating how one conversation about anything ed jumps right in and takes over =/

Then at work. I start crying!!!! Right there where everyone can see, but thankfully nobody noticed...I started crying (yea I know AGAIN CRYING?) because of what else??? My dad. I want to tell him how he is going to be a grand dad because i think he should know. And my sister and him don't talk. And how when he found out that she got married he was mad because nobody told him. So I was debating if I should or not. And honestly no. Im not. It's not my place to do so, also it would make me connect to him when I haven't talked to him for a while which sucks, but deeeeeeepp down I know its for the best,  and if he wanted to know what was/is going on with our lives he can pick up the damn phone and call us too. I mean I have called him, but I am not the only one who keeps it going. A relationship takes work from both ends. SO that put me in a bad spot because i just want my dad. I want him to care about me, to think "what is she up today" I want him to walk me down the aisle to just be there. but it's not and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel like the reins are in my hands and I am the one who needs to fix things but then again he doesn't talk to anyone anymore. Me, my sister, HIS MOM, his brother or sisters. Nobody. Then I thought, "if someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss" Then I thought, "not really" I mean honestly, I am needy, selfish, annoying, talk too much confused girl...what exactly does one lose if I am not in their life? So there I was, crying at work and I remembered how Trina was crying on skype and on the phone with me and for me. And I know that she would feel a loss if I wasn't there anymore. IF something happened to me or our relationship, (because she has to get to 101 and I have to be 92 =P) and it was very calming. It actually helped a lot. To know that she feels for me, cares enough to cry for me. To set her alarm to talk to me in the morning. to come to me when she needs to vent. It had a HUGE factor in me choosing NOT to cut tonight. I love ya girly <3

I also realized how much I work. How many hours  I work, how much I accomplish at work, it determines my self worth. So when I don't do well at work, or don't have as many hours then my self worth goes down. I am working a full time job so my hours are pretty stable, but the work, if the machine is down and i don't get much done, i beat myself up for it. Not that it's my fault that the machine isn't working but still. I was a manager at Dairy Queen for two years, then I went to treatment and came back to the store being a mess. Went back to treatment came home and the store was closed. So i feel like it's my fault, because I wasn't able to pull the store back together because I was selfish trying and failing on getting better. I was gone this past week at work and I come back to everyone saying  they knew i wasn't working because the place wasn't clean. Which is a good feeling but I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be the best at everything. For people to NEED me, to be recognized. So because of those postive comments I feel like it's up to me to keep the place clean. There are quite a few others who work there but nope, it's just my job to keep the whole warehouse clean, even the areas where I don't work at. Plus to do my job on top of that. Like get the boxes together, pack them, clean, Do shipping. I am constantly running around and everyone says i Look like im on speed haha. but it's up to me. Today would have been nice to relax some and take a breather once in a while because of my heart, but no work is more important...don't want people looking down on you because you stop moving for 2 seconds...seems like i have to get my priorities straight. but how??

Just babbling....

It hit me last night, that I am trying to do everything humanly possible to not be like my dad, and I am exactly like him. He's an alcoholic, i'm a anorexic (both addictions), he shut out everyone in his life, and I am in the process of doing that. He has issues with anger, I have issues with anger, different ways but both revolving around anger and lost of control. Overall yesterday I had an okay day. I mean the day wasn't that great with some discussions I had but the night was okay, then i go to lay in bed and all these thoughts come up and make me cry again. I hate trying to sleep, hints why I kinda suck at falling asleep, the thoughts when i lay down, nothing to distract me, I dont know how to make those thoughts disappear and they hit hard at night. I talked to my sponsor about it and she said, "it's the center of the ice berg, you have to melt the behaviors for that to go away. And to learn to accept yourself" Okay but I don't feel like I can stop the behaviors until I work on the center issues. Not the other way around. That's what I hate everyone is expecting me to stop the behaviors then work on the issues but I feel like I wont be able to stop until the issues are resolved. I mean I think that is logical, I have an ed because of the inner issues, so it would be logical to work on those first right? My old therapist said though, that she understood, but I wouldn't be able to actaully work on the inner issues if I was still in my ed, because my brain doesn't function the same way, so though we would talk about it, it wouldn't be processed in my head. So in the end, that makes me feel stuck =/

I was also thinking about perfectionism.. I have a huge issue with this. I strived in school to get the best grades, to be the best dancer, the best singer, best...well you get the point. But I also think my recovery should be perfect. To just one day decide not to be in my ed anymore and never restrict or purge again. I feel like once I am in recovery, there's no going back. Which is ideal I know but is it reality? I'm not so sure. So I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. And I am letting the fear of relapsing and not being perfect in recovery like even if I am in recovery but i slip up once is not okay. Anyway those fears are holding me back on getting better. I know it's all or nothing, black or white thinking, but I don't know how to think differently. Which I also talked to my sponsor about, and this perfectionism and black and white thinking is also part of my ed. It's all connected in a way, that I didn't even know. I thought it was just me, not my disease.

Anyway, I am just babbling but thought is would help some if I wrote things down rather than letting it unravel in my head.

I also don't think I should set new year's resolutions. If I don't meet my goals, I am going to feel like a failure. But I can't not do it...Howy was on ellen today and he says, "Set goals that were already accomplished so by next year you already have it accomplished so you don't beat yourself up for it" Clever, but I don't think thats the point..Anyway....
1. Move back home (perferably by 6 months so I can see my sister's baby as a baby)
2.Get my  liscense (which requires me to be seizure free so that leads to...)
3. Be healthy.
4. Pay off my student loan
5. Get my own apartment.
6. Get medically approved to go back to school.

Maybe I should set more realistic goals. Or not as many. But those are things I really want and I would really like to have in a year.