Today I had therapy. Which like always, I was honest, and I told her about Friday night. She decided that taking my meds away from me is a good idea. So I have to text her tomarrow telling her what meds I have, and how many pills (to keep me accountable) and bring them to her next Monday. Then I suggest bringing my razor blade in too. Then I freaked out. I told her, "Just because I held it to my throat not too long ago, not to keep me from cutting, I am not going to stop cutting" She said thats okay, baby steps, and we will continue to work on finding other ways to deal with emotions. Then, stupid me tells her how much I have been purging before sessions and she suggests that on Monday (next time I see her) that instead, I go into her office and talk about it. She also said "but if you feel like you can't do it, I will let you go to the bathroom and purge just try to do something about it before hand" So that is comforting a little awkward as I feel like she will come to the bathroom with me and then I won't be able to. And ed will say "shes okay with it... now its like easy access" I just couldn't seem to stay focused. I have a lot on my mind, and I was all over the place. I was looking around the room like it was my first time in there. She had to say my name in every sentence to get my attention back. Then asked, "Are you okay? Is something on your mind that you need to talk about? You seem distant" I said no, but in reality umm yea things are on my mind that I should talk about but in the end if I talk about it it makes it my reality, and I don't want to face that this is happening all over again.
Today I became honest with myself. I admitted to myself, that I have had binges. Maybe not a binge considered to others but I would def consider it a binge. Not recently but I have, and I think I denied it for so long because im anorexic and its embarrassing and shameful. I wrote in my journal, so denise will read all about that next week...
Then I was at work, and a girl comes up to me and says, "Do you have a problem with eating? you're weird with food" I was like "uhhh who told you?" She said, "No its just your like super picky and healthy when it comes to food and you pick it apart its just not normal, and your super thin, so I just put things together" Which was good and bad. It's like "Shit I am not doing a good job at hiding it anymore" Then it became a praise in a way, like "See you're doing awesome, people know you are so thin that they think/realize you have a problem" Kinda sick but thats my head for you. I also got a comment on my age, someone said I look 12. someone else said 19..I was like nope 22. They were like "GET OUT" hmm lol ok? OHHH and someone was talking about their daughter having a 9lb baby, and this jerk says, "Better keep that baby on a diet" SERIOUSLY? I mean I know he didn't mean anything by it but honestly like its a newborn and thats what you are going to say? No wonder eds develop at a young age anymore. The baby isn't related to me and I wanted to jump across the table. But he was rude in general, was taking everyone's lunch and being demanding about it saying "Hey give me some of that" and being inpatient about it tapping his paper towel to get their attention..Super annoying, I said here have mine and leave them alone and walked away. haha Like you are a grown ass man, be polite, respectful, bring your own food. holy cow!
Work was actaully good today, I was goofing around with John a lot and rumors spread that he is my boyfriend (which no offense not my type) So it made things go by pretty fast, until...I had a seizure. Which was a good night because I wasn't running the machines so i was far from any danger...They sent me home early, (930 instead of 11) and told me to take tomarrow off. which is okay I guess I mean I am missing a pay, but tomarrow is going to be crazy anyway with stupid appointments.
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