I talked to my old dance teacher tonight, and it reallllly made me miss dance. She was asking about my ED, how im doing. And we were talking about her's. She is doing amazing, and she never went to treatment or therapy or anything, which to me is like a miracle. I mean ive been to treatment. Ive been to hospitals. Ive been in therapy for how many years now? AND still I am struggling. Part of the convo ed decided to jump in:
- did you think i was fat then?
- No but I knew something wasn't right with you. That was most apparent
- how did you know something was wrong?
- Because I said something about a costume. I said u needed a small as opposed to an xsmall so u quit. I said it because u were too TALL for an xsmall, regardless of how it was around ur waist.
- oh gosh you remember that huh im sorry i took it as im a fatty i seriously thought I was the biggest one there. still something i need to work on i guess.
Dance was something that ALWAYS meant a lot to me. I can't believe I let ed take that away from me because of a STUPID COMMENT. LIKE SERIOUSLY? I remember when she first told me that she has an ed, she cried, and how she talked about it I thought she was lying about it. But tonight how she talked about it I was like shit this is for real. Which sucks but I am so glad that I have one more support person. I mean one who understands. I remember when I told her what was going on, I ended up staying at the studio for a half and hour to an hour after to "help miss lisa close up" When in reality we sat and talked. We got close, but I don't think I every let her in. I mean I shared with her but I was always paranoid that she would say something as this was before college so I never sat down and told my mom that I needed help at this time. So I remember always saying "Don't say anything to..." im sure I was annoying but i think she was the one person at the time who I felt like I could talk to, she was the only one who knew well besides my high school's assumptions. And I think she knew that. I remember one time I was walking out of the studio after ballet class and she said "Hey stef can you stay to lock up with me" Turns out she knew I something was off then too. I remember calling the studio one time, and Miss Lynn answered and I asked Is Miss lisa there, she said yes but she is teaching a class right now. I said will she be able to talk tonight she said YES but she is teaching right now. SO I said Just ask her she will know what I am talking about lol...Then my dance recital. MY BIG DANCE RECITAL. the year I went en point. I remember doing my hip hop routine and as I am coming off stage Miss Lisa runs to me and hugs me and says its my best performance yet though I looked like a ghost with the stage lights on me. Told me I needed to eat. I said I can't. I am nervous and my IBS will get worse if there is food in it...So I went back on stage for ballet and yup...I pass out. I remember we were in a a circle holding the other girls arms as we lifted our legs and I lost my balance and Allie noticed and really grabbed onto me. So the routine was a bit off but I managed to finished and pass out the second I got off stage haha.
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