I know this is lame, but I haven't purged since Saturday and today I really want to, I miss it....its weird. I miss it after only a few days and I miss throwing up? Its not the throwing up that I miss, its the control. It's the realization that my stomach isn't getting bigger...i dont know. I know I am actually trying to get better now. Maybe for the first time. I could have restricted today, my uncle normally makes me something to eat and he didn't today, I realized at 2:30 that he wasn't going to and instead of not caring I got up and got something to eat. Which is a big deal for me Then dinner comes around and it seems like A LOT of food, and I am trying to handle it (hints why I am blogging right now) and my sister is talking about when I had to get iron infusions and i know this is sick but its making me miss ed. Here I am in the hospital with iv sticking out of my arms because ed was bad and I miss it??? I know it's weird. Anyway I did ask her to not talk about it anymore and she said ok and I did tell her that I am overhwhelmed and wanting to get rid of it so she is messaging me and she will call the house if I stop responding.
Today I spit up more blood =/ more than usual so purging probably wont help with that right now...ahh i don't know what to do =/ I don't want to ruin the few days I have under my belt but honestly I seem like I always fail after a few days anyway...
So a few hours passed and I managed to not purge! I was on the phone and talking to people for a good hour afterwards to keep me away from the bathroom and I actually told someone to time me when I had to pee to help keep me accountable.
Then I get up to get my night snack, (trying very hard to follow my meal plan) and my aunt says, "You just ate!!" So I started crying saying, "I know I am fatty, Im just trying to listen to my team now and I feel like I am eating too much but I dont want to eat im just trying to get better" So my uncle wasn't too pleased with my aunt. Pretty much told her to shut up and that its okay if I eat again. How I shouldn't feel this way if I know I am doing what is the right thing to do. I told him I can't and he said "well drink your ensure then and eat again later" UM no offense I get how liquids are suppose to be easier but when it's something like an ensure...its not. So I ended up calling my sponsor crying to her telling her what happened and ended up eating my snack anyway...only 20 mins left till I am suppose to have my ensure. God seriously I know I am trying and listening to them but today has felt like its been non stop eating =/ Im not sure how long this will last
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