Break down

Today I had a bit of a break-down. So far I spit up blood twice, which didn't phrase me. I broke down when I noticed how much hair Im losing. I was in the shower and just broke down. I had a panic attack, when my aunt walked in and she saw me crying on the floor, grasping for air,  pulling hair out. She knelt down to me and said its okay, stand up. It's easy for her to say, because she's not the one going through this. She isn't the one who is losing hair, or spitting up blood, the one who is weak and tired all the time,  the one who is dying. It's not okay. It's everything but okay...why can't I be sad about this? I think it's normal to be upset or angry even. I mean I know she was trying to calm me down because my chest started to hurt but it wasn't like I was having a heart attack, It's just that is where all my emotions are. That is where they all are stored at.

Anyway, Today I stopped by my dad's house, I know denise wouldn't approve but it's something that I needed to do. To say goodbye to him in person, to see his reaction. Would he cry? Would he apologize for everything? Would he ask me to forgive him? no...none of that happened, lets just say he refuses to change and I am sitting there in a mess, crying to him, how much I need him to care, just give me one sign to hold on. I don't need him to say sorry or I love you, I just want him to grab me and hug me. Instead I came home with some new body art =/