"Dad" is a special word...

Here it is. Here is the man that changed me. Here is the man who left me not caring how much it would screw me up.Here is the man who beat me.  Here is the man who is my father. See I say "father" because I feel the distant. He is my father, he is not my dad. Dad is a special word, and I don't think he deserves that title. A father is someone who helped create you. A dad is someone who is there for everything. Who sees everything, who hears his kid cry...This man was never there for me. Christ sake, I remember my highschool graduation, seeing him leave before my name was even called. I remember him never being there for school awards (mainly science yes i was/am a geek) I remember him telling me he would be there for my dance, horseback riding, cheerleading, or girl scout events...he never was.

All I remember from him is being terrified of him. Of being hit, then him leaving.  I never remember a good time with him. Now I feel like I am making this more than what it is. I am sure I have had some good times with him, it's just I don't remember it. How could you when for the most part you were in tears. I remember begging my mom to let me stay home on the weekends i was suppose to go to his house (parents are divorced) I remember her calling him a lot saying, "Stefanie is sick" "Stefanie has a sleepover" or "Stefanie has a girl scout thing she really wants to go to" Then he left. I guess I should just get over it. I mean when he was around I never wanted to see him, but now that he's not, now that it's his decision it's a problem? Maybe it is me. I can never be happy. He is around I don't want to see him, then he's not around and I feel abandoned. You honestly can't win with me. I am difficult.

Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot. I love him to the point where I am literally killing myself to get his attention. To get his love. When I was at Renfrew I did a phone session with him. Which I was anxious about for a week. But I knew that I needed to let things out so  I can move on. I confronted the abuse, and he denied it. I mean it's one thing to make a mistake and feel guilty about it but it's another thing to make a mistake and deny that it ever happened. How are you going to sit there and tell me that I am making it up, that you never touched me when that is all i remember? So needless to say, Jessica (therapist) ended the call and I ran down and called my mom in tears, asking if it really did happen? A few days later, a woman Mary-Ann suggested writing a letter to him but not sending it. And for some reason, I let her read it when I does and she went on her own to mail it! That didn't go over too well...I guess that is why I have a hard time admitting my feelings, my thoughts, because they are just going to get denied anyway. So then I beat myself up, "Why do you think this way, Stefanie???"

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I am done, that I can no longer deal with it, to find myself curled up in a ball on the phone dialing his number. I don't know why I can't let go. I know, he is my dad but obviously he doesnt care if im in his life so why should I? Why should I try? Why should i kill myself for someone who doesnt even notice? This is actually the longest I have gone without talking to him. Maybe two months now? maybe longer? Last time we talked is when he blew me off for a weekend plan. Then he didn't call on my Birthday and for the first year I didn't call on Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. I feel bad, but everyone keeps telling me that it's not my responsibility to always call him...