Hello there ed

I had Denise today. Man was she tough on me today. She said she is on my side, saying this past weekend I did well with ED (despite someone saying that I didn't) She said it sounds like for the first time, I am being positive about recovery. I told her about my collapsing at work, and spitting up blood, while doing so, I got a sharp pain in my stomach and had to lean forward...she noticed,she thinks it might be my stomach ulcer. But I do need to go to the doctor and she is going to make calls for me this week. We talked about last session how the breathing exercises were hard for me, and how she doesn't think I am lying about my ed. HAHA she mentioned how I feel about therapy, I said I know I need to come weekly, she said "AT LEAST" haha We talked about my meal plan and how for protein she would like me to eat cheese (as osteopenia is worse) I looked at her and said, "Do you know how many calories is in cheese?" She laughed, hello ed. haha Then I start randomly crying, for no reason but I think I might of hid it well...anyway she gave me a lot of "homework" this week, wants me to read this packet on identity and parts of the bible and journal about it... Then in the car, my aunt once again talked about exercise and how she has everything advertised on TV to help you lose weight. GAHHH why can't she understand that I dont want to hear about this? So I didn't say much and she was like "Are you ok" Umm yea im fine im just tired of you talking about this when you know i struggle with an ed. its like hello common sense, would you talk to an alcholic about going out and catching some drinks...no you wouldnt. Then I screamed in pain while she is driving its not such a good idea...luckily we didn't hit anything. And then in the parking lot, i was left in the car while she picked some things up and came out to my car door open spitting up more blood =/ everyone looked at me in the parking lot like I was nuts, im sorry what do you want me to do? swallow it? umm sorry no.

Gahh I feel so stupid. Literally I have no control over anything anything anymore. I was holding something HOT in my hand and I fell asleep needless to say I spilled it and it landed on my hand, Sad part is I was so knocked out of it that  I didn't wake up to it. =/  I woke up to my aunt shaking the crap out of me telling me to get up I needed to put my hand under cold water, I was like uhh why? Then I saw and said, "Seriously how could I do that?" I feel like such an idiot



I was talking to someone from work (on facebook still not back at work yet) and they were asking about my eating disorder and why I think I am fat. hmm i don't know It just is...he said "You are far from fat, when i hugged u i could put my arms around u and they'd come back to my sides so your definately not fat" Obviously ed popped in the conversation when I asked questions about what he meant. and I know deep down what he meant, and its not suppose to be a bad thing, it gets twisted though. I feel like its an accomplishment in a way and in the other way its like see stefanie your thin now get better, you got to the goal you wanted now get to the goal that everyone else wants (weight wise)