Comes and Goes

I had my weigh in today. I apparently read last weeks weight wrong (try reading it upside down) I thought I gained 6lbs when I gained 4lbs. This week I lost two. Which I was pretty happy about (which btw Jen I DIDN'T  end up purging dinner after not eating breakfast) Anyway, I was full of smiles when I saw a lower number, I felt relief, like I could breath again. Though after talking to jen, I did notice that when I saw the lower number I was thinking of how to lose the other two I gained and then to get to my next goal, and next...Anyway, Of course Joy wasn't too pleased with me, and she found out about my seizure at work on Monday and asked if Im scared. I said I used to be, not anymore, just like when I first threw up blood I got scared, stopped purging for a week, went to the hospital who only gave me meds and nothing else to "fix" this, and started purging again, not scared anymore as the hospital didn't seem tooooo concerned so that means I am okay. She asked, "Are you scared of cancer?" I said, things are scary yes, but it's different when you live this way for so long every single day, its the norm, not living this way is what is scary for me...

Today was okay at work, though my boss did make a comment on how I wasn't there yesterday (when I was approved to get off)

Then I come home and see that my dad wrote back to me. I wasn't expecting it at all! Obviously it wasn't a good response but I guess at least it's a response. I feel like I set myself up, I mean I knew he was going to be upset with what I had to say, how I feel but I wasn't expecting this. I feel so stupid, And I im not upset by what he wrote but the entire letter is a lie. Literally every sentence is wrong, or not what I remember and I don't think its true...my cousin sees me reading it getting upset, and asks if I am okay and that she will have her phone on her. Well my uncle seemed mad at me for sending it..He said, "I dont know what you sent, but I hope you got what you wanted"(not really but it's what I get for voicing my feelings to him) He then goes on and tells me how concerned he is about me moving back home, to the place where my ed started, to being monitored by family and not my team how strict its going to be. And to finish it off, how irresponsible I am being...Seriously kick me when I am down, thanks...He says this past weekend was a test (which I failed) he didn't give me anything to eat until dinner, hoping I would get something on my own. Since I am 22 and should be able to take care of myself. I am sorry. I HAVE and EATING DISORDER, what makes you think that I would willingly grab something to eat when I am not hungry?? Do you have any idea on how hard it is to get something to eat, let alone get something to eat when someone is standing in the kitchen watching you? Its extremely uncomfortable for me and I won't do it. I am trying, I know it may seem like I'm not, but I am...im just not where you want me to be right now, and for your info, when I was home for the holidays I did better than what I am doing now. So obviously I CAN do it, but thanks for having faith in me...I just want to be able to do one thing right. Just one...thats where ed comes in. But even then I feel like I don't do that right =/ I just want to be accepted. to be good enough for someone.