TAKE THAT ED

Today was a pretty good day, so far. I did purge once, not because I wanted to, mainly because I could...and boy did I notice the difference in engery after I purged. But Im moving on, I was home alone all day today and I could have easily restricted but I didn't. I made a sandwich and ate, and kept it in. I know its just a sandwich but its a big deal to me, as I don't touch food at all...like i eat what is served to me I want nothing to do with handling the food other than eating it, because I tend to get obsessive with measuring things out. Then my uncle comes home, and I tell him, "Hey I just made dinner and ate, so keep me away from the bathroom for a little while" Not sure why I said this, I NEVER tell them anything, so maybe it's im tired of living this way. Im scared to let go, but i need to, maybe my reality could change if i let this go...it's worth a try, right? I don't want to die, not this way

I talked to my mom for a bit today. Which normally gets me depressed but I think it went well. We talked about the things  I need to do, the things I need to move away from, to protect myself, I felt a slight hint of not being good enough, but I changed the subject. She mentioned me changing sponsors and I am against this. I told her that I trust Jen and Im not working with anyone else. She said "keep her but get another sponsor to work with too" I kept coming up with excuses not to and I was able to say, "Hmm I think ed is talking, because im getting defensive" and my mom said "Yea Im thinking excuses, excuses, excuses" So I was able to seperate it, but in the same sense I am still not getting another sponsor, because she feels like I am ready to move onto another step. I told her that Jen knows what is best, and when she feels like I am ready, im sure she'll let me know. (mind you my mom thinks im somewhat back on track with recovery)

Anyway seems like im fighting ed today, I disobeyed him and was able to realize some thoughts in my head as his not mine...

No matter what the circumstances, you have to hold on and fight till you see the good from it.