Denise

I saw Denise today. She stuck to her words, she was out in the lobby waiting for me. I acted like I didn't see her and walked right in the bathroom...she followed me. I was already in the stall when She says "Stefanieee!" I sighed and replied hi lol. I already purged this morning but I didn't feel like I got it all out so I was going to attempt to get the rest out and she interferred. I mean I know she gave me a warning that she was going to, but...

Anyway, I showed her the letter my dad wrote back. She said it sounds like he is defensive. And puts the blame on me. My dad wrote in the letter, about me talking to someone about him beating me. He's mad because he doesn't know the person. We talked about that today I was like seriously he is referring to when I was in treatment. I mean It wasn't a random person it was a therapist at Renfrew, you would think that you would want me to get over this but apparently not...Anyway, she made me realize that even thought I feel like what he wrote were just lies, it's his reality. So responding back to him will just make it go back and forth for who knows how long, because we both have different perspectives. So I am trying to accept the things on how they are, and I will take the advice Denise INdirectly gave me, which is to not respond...

I did tell her about the seizures this week and she wants me to to go the emerancy room because they are happening a lot more. I said no, i did once and they did nothing. She also remembered me bringing in my meds. I didn't do it. Not that I plan on overdosing anytime soon but we figured out that it's like a security blanket so I guess Ill try to take them next week. Which I did tell my aunt (not the truth on why I need to bring them) but I did say I need to bring my meds in next week. So she knows and will remind me or rather make sure that I actually bring them. Anyway, seizures, apparently when I talk about them I smile. Denise mentioned it as an accomplishment for ED, I said I don't think so but I guess if Im smiling when I don't realize. lol Weird how I would smile over having a seizure. I know its not a good thing but I guess that means I am sick which means I am doing okay with ed...

We also talked about my sponsor. How she posted this picture on facebook. How I was comparing her body to mine. I told her I can't help it. Last time I saw her in person I was jealous of her therighs, but she had a little belly. Now in this picture her theighs are bigger but her stomach is smaller. I then felt embarrassed for comparing my body to my sponsors. To anyone's really. And Denise says, Its dangerous to compare bodies to another womans. Which I know but it seems like I can't help it. Every person I see is better than me. Even a 500lb woman has something better than I do. Like they have smaller theighs than I do or whatever it is normally theighs that I compare to haha. I HATE my theighs so it's easy to get jealous of someone else's.

Today we did breathing exercises. I was very uncomfortable. I felt like she was staring at me, she made a comment that I wasn't pushing my stomach out. I said it's hard. I don't want you to see it. So she closed her eyes and said try. I said its still hard to see my stomach expand like this. I freaked out. She told me how it will go back down, how its like flexing a muscle. you control it just because you pop your stomach out doesn't mean it won't go back down.And she made me move my bag off my legs, and as soon as the breathing exercise were done,  I grabbed my bag and put it back on my lap. She questioned this, asking why I need it on me. I said honestly, it hides me. It hides my fat theighs. (in case you didn't catch on...my bag is not a normal one. Its like a canvas bag haha its big)

Then I was in the car with my aunt, and of course all we ever talk about is weight. She says they may be able to eat that, but if you and I were to eat that we would be rollie pollies...So note not going to eat what we  talking about. lol. Then she was talking about my dad how I have to "buck up and move forward" Seriously this is why I AM IN THERAPY. Getting over things is more than just bucking up.