I was struggling with bad body image today. I feel like my face got huge over night, like I woke up this morning and gained 50lbs when I was sleeping. How do I handle it? I purged. And I did yoga for an hour, and now I realize just how much exercise is a problem for me. I feel refreshed now, but I feel like I could go on a walk for hours, and do cardio. Which I know I can't safely do on my own. I got to the point where I exercised for 7 hours a day. Im no longer at that point, mainly because I am exhuasted, and my team would kill me. So right now, I am working 8 hours a day and then do cardio for 3 hour hours, so I am pretty active everyday. I was looking in the mirror and noticed that my arms are complete muscle. And my calfs. which I know what I do to get that but it was like wow look at that! I kinda look like a man. Even though muscle weighs more than fat I much rather have muscle than fat. So I guess I am okay with it.
Work. Yesterday there was a rumor that Friday will be my last day, as the layoffs are taken place. So I am a bit overwhelmed by that. I would like to work as much as I can while I can (yep workalcholic too) i think my cousin realized the panic that ran through me, and said I will probably be off for a week and come back. Or I am okay, because my boss didn't tell me anything. So she is going to ask him today. Which I would like a week off, but I still want paychecks haha. Anyway if I do get laid off, That means no more Joy, as I wouldn't be able to afford it and I am not driving an hour for a half an hour session, when I am not around that area anyway. See joy is right near work so it works out right now. If I do get laid off, I really hope my sister lets me move in sooner than what is planned right now. I mean I did save money, so I should be okay, but I don't want to see the money disappearing with my bills and no income. So if she lets me move in earlier I can get a job faster or try to..However that means no ed sooner too. I guess what is meant to be will be right? Clearly I have no control over this situaution and I am trying to have faith and trust in that everything will be okay, everything will work out...
SO. Work. hmm. I asked the BIG boss about Friday being my last day, he said hell know by tomarrow and gave me an application for part time just in case (full time now) Which the pay rate is more, but the days are like 2-3/week. But I guess it's something. So my foreman, sees me filling it out and says, "That's funny" So I was like uhh what is that suppose to mean? I work, and Al (big boss) told me to do it. So he walked away. Then I was cleaning, and HE isn't paying attention and gets dirty, and says "What are you losing your F***ing mind?" I walked away...Then maybe 5 mins later, he comments on my education. I balled my eyes out. I may have stupid moments but I am NOT stupid, my education is the only thing that I am proud of about myself. So I cried. I walked away and he was nice the rest of the night. My cousin found out that I was crying, and she wanted to yell at him and call the big boss about it. I said its not that big of a deal, I think im just overly emotional right now and he has been giving me nothing but problems since I walked in, and he took away the one thing I am proud about. So I told her not too. It took some convincing too. haha. Then at the end of the end, he says, "she'll get over it" When someone says "man shes really mad at you" Get over it? yes I will but you could at least apologize to me. What makes you think that you can do and say the things you do to people? It's not just me, A girl actually reported him last week for how he treats people. It's just not right.
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