Just babbling....

It hit me last night, that I am trying to do everything humanly possible to not be like my dad, and I am exactly like him. He's an alcoholic, i'm a anorexic (both addictions), he shut out everyone in his life, and I am in the process of doing that. He has issues with anger, I have issues with anger, different ways but both revolving around anger and lost of control. Overall yesterday I had an okay day. I mean the day wasn't that great with some discussions I had but the night was okay, then i go to lay in bed and all these thoughts come up and make me cry again. I hate trying to sleep, hints why I kinda suck at falling asleep, the thoughts when i lay down, nothing to distract me, I dont know how to make those thoughts disappear and they hit hard at night. I talked to my sponsor about it and she said, "it's the center of the ice berg, you have to melt the behaviors for that to go away. And to learn to accept yourself" Okay but I don't feel like I can stop the behaviors until I work on the center issues. Not the other way around. That's what I hate everyone is expecting me to stop the behaviors then work on the issues but I feel like I wont be able to stop until the issues are resolved. I mean I think that is logical, I have an ed because of the inner issues, so it would be logical to work on those first right? My old therapist said though, that she understood, but I wouldn't be able to actaully work on the inner issues if I was still in my ed, because my brain doesn't function the same way, so though we would talk about it, it wouldn't be processed in my head. So in the end, that makes me feel stuck =/

I was also thinking about perfectionism.. I have a huge issue with this. I strived in school to get the best grades, to be the best dancer, the best singer, best...well you get the point. But I also think my recovery should be perfect. To just one day decide not to be in my ed anymore and never restrict or purge again. I feel like once I am in recovery, there's no going back. Which is ideal I know but is it reality? I'm not so sure. So I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. And I am letting the fear of relapsing and not being perfect in recovery like even if I am in recovery but i slip up once is not okay. Anyway those fears are holding me back on getting better. I know it's all or nothing, black or white thinking, but I don't know how to think differently. Which I also talked to my sponsor about, and this perfectionism and black and white thinking is also part of my ed. It's all connected in a way, that I didn't even know. I thought it was just me, not my disease.

Anyway, I am just babbling but thought is would help some if I wrote things down rather than letting it unravel in my head.

I also don't think I should set new year's resolutions. If I don't meet my goals, I am going to feel like a failure. But I can't not do it...Howy was on ellen today and he says, "Set goals that were already accomplished so by next year you already have it accomplished so you don't beat yourself up for it" Clever, but I don't think thats the point..Anyway....
1. Move back home (perferably by 6 months so I can see my sister's baby as a baby)
2.Get my  liscense (which requires me to be seizure free so that leads to...)
3. Be healthy.
4. Pay off my student loan
5. Get my own apartment.
6. Get medically approved to go back to school.

Maybe I should set more realistic goals. Or not as many. But those are things I really want and I would really like to have in a year.