Then I said, "I think treatment would benefit me some, but I don't want to gain weight" And I told her how Joy freaked out when I lost a pound. ONE pound. How I kept saying, "it's not that big of a deal it's just on pound" Her thing is, "Well it's a big deal when I don't want you losing, I want you gaining" And then Denise mentioned how I freak out if I gain one pound. So she kinda threw that in my face to realize that me gaining one pound in my eyes is just as scary in Joy's eyes when I lose one pound. Denise def had some talking to ed today. Which I guess is good. and kinda expected considering where I am at in my struggle. So I am sure she had some fun today haha.
We also had a talk on my body. How one second I said, " I know I lost weight, I can see my bones in my chest now" And how "Everyone is worried about me because of my pictures, but honestly I don't see it, I don't know why they are so concerned I don't look that bad in person...my mom freaked out because I didn't wear the best clothing while I was home and she made me take off my hoodie and 'could see all bones in my back'" She then said, "Well hun, you just said you can see your bones in your chest, you are too thin, and in pictures we tend to look bigger than what we are in person..." I don't think ill be taking pictures anytime soon now haha. And I know this is sick, I even said it to denise, "I know this is sick, but I like seeing my bones, I feel like I accomplished something, like ed is patting me on the back saying 'job well done', but it only last for a second before he tells me that I need to lose more, that the bones aren't popped out as much as they could be" I don't know I know its crazy but it's how i think. I mean I think sometimes, that I do look thin in my pictures but it't not like over the top thin.Anyway, sorry. Just a bit nuts when it comes to my body =/ My head is constantly spinning and I don't know how to make it stop, so whenever you guys find the answer, let me in on the secret, ok?
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