Cracking joints, bulging veins, always cold, dizziness when I stand up, numbness in my feet (as if they are not connected to my body) when laying down...hints that I MAY, just may be too thin now. I managed to eat two meals and one snack today, and KEPT everything in, I have not yet exercised or taken laxatives today. In then end you would think I would feel proud of myself, but I don't. I feel nothing but guilt. I feel stupid because I have my nutritionist tomarrow and I am terrified that the number has stayed the same or worse(well worse to me) went up. Yet at the moment, I feel like I could eat everything in this house. So if this is what recovery brings me I am not sure I can do it. To feel this out of control, to be afraid to eat not because of the calories but because of a fear that I won't be able to stop. To become like my sister and turn my anorexia into binge eating. Joy once told me, that if you are at such a low weight for a while, in the next decade you will be overweight because your body is still catching up with how hungry it was. THAT fricken terrifies me, I dont think I would let that happen but my sister did. She was anorexic now shes overweight. What if it happens to me? I already feel like I have a double chin, my theighs are almost touching, my stomach is bulging out. I am trying very hard to hold on but I feel worse than what I did when I was in my ed. Not saying I am cleared of ed. Im not, I know that but today I was. And I haven't purged since Thursday. as I have a very tender lump under my jaw, which I thought was ed related...but it's not =/ (anyway whatever the reasons are it's still an improvement for me!!!)
Then the next moment, I see a slimquick diet commerical. And they have a 25lb challenge, well I said outloud (whoops) maybe I should try that =/ I know I can't, I know my team would kill me but that's ed for you. I didn't have work today, for medical reasons and I hate it, I mean I don't love my job but while I am at work my head takes a break. well I guess not a break but its not as loud. It keeps me distracted (well besides right before/during/after I eat) I spoke to my sponsor today and she said "it seems like you are having good days now, and you havent purged. I think its connected" Well maybe, but I am still doing other ed activites, and yesterday I had a good day and before that was def not good days, so I told her "Im faking it until I make it" Which she then mentioned how sometimes that is what we have to do, but I hate that saying. I feel like when I say it, it's giving me an excuse to lie, to pretend everything is okay, to put on my happy mask...I don't want to anymore. I am tired of acting like everything is ok when its not. I want to be able to say "I am hurt my father left me", "I am hurt that I was taken advantage of", "My first real boyfriend didn't care about me or his wife and kids he just cared about him and what he wanted", "I am hurt when I feel like my mom would chose her boyfriend over her daughter" "I am pissed off about what ed took from me, that I had to take time off school, that I had to move, etc" or, "I have cancer"....but nope. everything is fine. IT'S NOT, and since when is it not okay to feel like shit or be mad or whatever about things? It's not fair. I have a right to feel bad, to be pissed about how my life is being lived. I have a right and I am TIRED of acting like everything is okay! But I can't say a word. My lips are forever sealed for that make believe family. The family who has no issues. The fake family you see on TV. That is how I was raised. To hide everything that is going on in the inside from the outside. I mean I get it, I do but it's not right. It shouldnt have to be this way. Honestly whose family has no issues at all? NONE? I have yet to find one so why must we always put on this show...its not reality and the only ones we are fooling is ourselves. Clearly acting fine, and like everything is okay, everything tightly bottled up isn't working for me. I feel like I have this meter, where I have a limit of how much info or emotions I can hold and I am just about over that limit, if Im not already, where everything is just about to pop out, let the world into my world, let them take a glimpse then as soon as you let it out tightly squeeze everything back in and hope that nobody was listening.
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