I honestly can't express how much Trina means to me. Friday night I was a wee bit sucidal, she came on facebook like perfect timing and I talked to her for a little bit then we went on skype until 4 am my time. I told her what was going on. I cried. Which she knew and I looked away because I HATE crying in front of others. I feel like when I do I am a weak person. I am vulnerable. The thing is I don't think she cared. I think she would want me to let the tears out rather than just putting on my happy mask with her. When I turned away from looking at her she told me to look at her. haha. She is very non judgemental. she listened to why I was so upset and tried to calm me down but she also tried to understand the other person's point of view. Which she did help. A lot, it might not seem like it because I did act out a bit but honestly I wouldn't of stopped myself when I did if I haven't talked to her that night. She also cried, told me what an impact I had on her and can't stand not talking to me the next day. It took like an hour for her to convince me to call or text her anytime if the urges get worse. Which this woman is impossible. I told her I would try but I don't want to wake her, She said she didn't care and "try" isn't good enough haha. (which trina if you read this...i like this about you) She wanted me to promise her, and I just couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't What if I broke that promise? I told her I really want to be able to tell you what you want to hear, but thus far I have been honest you and I don't want that changing...Anyway we ended up making a plan that I would text her and then call the TAPP line then call her if that doesn't work...well it didn't really work out that way. My uncle heard me crying and sat in the other room with the lights off. (NO idea he was in there) and when we "hung" up on skype, he was talking to me and ended up taking the situation out of my hands. So sorry trina that I didn't text you =/
I think I've been living in my past a lot lately (which Joy will kill me if she knew this haha as she always tells me not to). I have a lot of memories in my head about my ex and about my dad. I can't seem to escape them. No matter how hard I try. I came to realize that I can't change people no matter how much I want to. I can't and it sucks. I also realized that people change over time, and I'm expecting things to be the same when clearly they aren't. I don't handle change well I guess, or maybe its ed way of keeping me isolated. Who knows.
I feel very misunderstood which I know that is my fault. I say everything the wrong way. I do everything wrong. I am just not in a good place right now. And if I were to open to let people understand what is going on with me I am sure they would understand...But I can't dare do it. I can't open myself up like that. It would be easier to hurt me and its already pretty easy to do that. I don't know how they would react, and I don't want people changing how they are with me. I want them to be real I want them to understand sure, but I don't want their pity. So for now, my secret shall remain a secret and I will have to do this on my own.
I am sitting here trying to eat my snack, as I did sort of restrict today, (SEE TRYING), anyway, Cole decides to message me on skype. (my molestor or whatever you would consider what he did to me) and I freeze. Immediately my hands start shaking, and my heart begins to race. I don't reply back but still. I know he has power over me, he could say one thing to me and I would fall into pieces. I want to know what the hell he wants but I know I can't handle it. To even see him log on makes me nervous. Anyway, of course ed pops in and says, "Do you know exactly how many calories is in what you are eating? you dont have to, the dogs are right here give it to them, nobody is watching" And now I want to. It is a lot of calories, well for me..and I don't know how to get over this, right now...
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