Back to work, I go

hmm today. Where to start. Well I went back to work today, though my therapist mentioned me not going back for right now...And yea, kinda a bad idea. I don't know what is going on with my body but my heart was racing. My boss looked at me and checked my pulse so he let me sit down haha. So I texted my nutritonist and she says "Low electrolytes, please don't purge tonight, it's not a good idea to do it tonight if you heart is giving you signs that it isn't happy with you" Which I didn't well not tonight, I did earlier in the day. But it's weird my heart only raced when I was standing. I sat down I was fine. I stood up and it just wouldn't go away. It's rather annoying. So I texted my sponsor who is a doctor and she pretty much said the same thing =/ I have also been having weird pains. Like my knees now throb. And when I go to lay down, my feet feel so heavy and numb, best way to explain it is a detached feeling. My sponsor says this is also because of low electrolytes =/

Anyway at work everyone told me how I was missed. How when I was gone, the place didn't look clean haha. And I shared with everyone that my sister is having a baby, and Ryan says, "What, you're pregnant?" I shot him a look and said, "Do I look pregnant???" which I took the wrong way he was asking because I don't look pregnant which is good I guess because im not haha. Then ed had a roll, and I started a conversation on how I wish I was taller, because Im too short and taller people carry the weight better...yea he said "Honey from my eyes your not carrying any weight at all so I wouldn't worry about it" haha

It's really frustrating how one conversation about anything ed jumps right in and takes over =/

Then at work. I start crying!!!! Right there where everyone can see, but thankfully nobody noticed...I started crying (yea I know AGAIN CRYING?) because of what else??? My dad. I want to tell him how he is going to be a grand dad because i think he should know. And my sister and him don't talk. And how when he found out that she got married he was mad because nobody told him. So I was debating if I should or not. And honestly no. Im not. It's not my place to do so, also it would make me connect to him when I haven't talked to him for a while which sucks, but deeeeeeepp down I know its for the best,  and if he wanted to know what was/is going on with our lives he can pick up the damn phone and call us too. I mean I have called him, but I am not the only one who keeps it going. A relationship takes work from both ends. SO that put me in a bad spot because i just want my dad. I want him to care about me, to think "what is she up today" I want him to walk me down the aisle to just be there. but it's not and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel like the reins are in my hands and I am the one who needs to fix things but then again he doesn't talk to anyone anymore. Me, my sister, HIS MOM, his brother or sisters. Nobody. Then I thought, "if someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss" Then I thought, "not really" I mean honestly, I am needy, selfish, annoying, talk too much confused girl...what exactly does one lose if I am not in their life? So there I was, crying at work and I remembered how Trina was crying on skype and on the phone with me and for me. And I know that she would feel a loss if I wasn't there anymore. IF something happened to me or our relationship, (because she has to get to 101 and I have to be 92 =P) and it was very calming. It actually helped a lot. To know that she feels for me, cares enough to cry for me. To set her alarm to talk to me in the morning. to come to me when she needs to vent. It had a HUGE factor in me choosing NOT to cut tonight. I love ya girly <3

I also realized how much I work. How many hours  I work, how much I accomplish at work, it determines my self worth. So when I don't do well at work, or don't have as many hours then my self worth goes down. I am working a full time job so my hours are pretty stable, but the work, if the machine is down and i don't get much done, i beat myself up for it. Not that it's my fault that the machine isn't working but still. I was a manager at Dairy Queen for two years, then I went to treatment and came back to the store being a mess. Went back to treatment came home and the store was closed. So i feel like it's my fault, because I wasn't able to pull the store back together because I was selfish trying and failing on getting better. I was gone this past week at work and I come back to everyone saying  they knew i wasn't working because the place wasn't clean. Which is a good feeling but I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be the best at everything. For people to NEED me, to be recognized. So because of those postive comments I feel like it's up to me to keep the place clean. There are quite a few others who work there but nope, it's just my job to keep the whole warehouse clean, even the areas where I don't work at. Plus to do my job on top of that. Like get the boxes together, pack them, clean, Do shipping. I am constantly running around and everyone says i Look like im on speed haha. but it's up to me. Today would have been nice to relax some and take a breather once in a while because of my heart, but no work is more important...don't want people looking down on you because you stop moving for 2 seconds...seems like i have to get my priorities straight. but how??